Chain of What Were We Talking About?
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: Discontinued.
1. Birth of a Salesman

_**Kingdom Farce: Chain of… What Were We Talking About?**_

Ah! Finally, the newly renamed sequel to _Kingdom Farce_ is available for your reading pleasure. It's back with more media references, adventure, and general stupidity. It's probably not the best parody out there, either, but hey—I really doubt anyone's done a parody of the poor neglected Chain of Memories, anyway.

And since I'm aware that nobody really knows about it, prepare for X-treme spoilers. Hey—it's your own fault for not actually knowing about this game in the first place. I talked to one of my Kingdom Hearts nerd friends and he didn't even know that it had been out since '04. He was under the impression that there were only _two_ games, as I'm sure many, many people were.

Okay, I mixed things up a bit with this one. Instead of that crappy idea I offered way back in September-October of last year, I kind of decided that I was going to rip off Tolkien with the whole 'two chapters of (insert name here) and two chapters of (insert name here)' interchangeably.

I also did a completely different theme song for this installment in my little series! It actually follows the story pretty well and isn't just ranting. And I think it's funny.

And I think this is the only chapter to be over ten pages long. That's an all-time low for me because I like to be horribly long in how I do stuff! But the only reason is because the intro and Traverse Town are genetically spliced together. But I just remembered that I have the little interludes spliced together, too. So no worries.

P.S. This is like a rainbow on Microsoft Word. I have grammatical errors (though I do it for _stylistic_ purposes, otherwise, you guys wouldn't know it was me!), and yeah, all of the characters' names are _obviously_ spelled wrong, 'cept for Donald and Goofy's, of course. And Mickey's. But when I make 'Goofy' possessive, then it's spelled wrong, too! Argh! Stupid Bill Gates and his stupid Windows!

_Okay. Remember what I said about not doing a CoM parody? _

_Well... I lied._

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_¡RECAP!_

So like, Sora sealed all the Keyholes of like, all the worlds, y'know? And then, then he fought like, Ansem to like, the death. And then he locked the Door to Light, with Riku and King Mickey behind it for some reason. I don't know. They were just THERE. Maybe it'll be explained l8er. Anyway. Then they were on their own, going down the only road they've ever known, when suddenly Pluto appeared with a letter from the King. AND LOOK WHERE THEY ARE NOW!

_!PACER¡_

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Sora was taking a walk through an endless field one night, enjoying the fresh air and such, when suddenly he felt a presence.

"Hmm... It feels like someone... WANTS TO SELL ME SOMETHING!" He turned on a dime, but nobody was there.

"Behind'ja," said a dark figure behind him. Sora turned around embarrassedly. "Anyway, no. I do not want to sell you anything." He was silent for a moment. "Ahead lies something you hold dear--but to claim it, you must lose something first." Then he waved his hands mysteriously and he was gone.

_**Kingdom Farce: Chain of… What Were We Talking About?**_

_Some time later..._

"Hmm, looks like nobody's home," Donald said as they walked into the foyer of the ginormous and topsy-turvy castle at the Edge of the Universe. (Or at least, that's what it looked like.)

"Gawrsh, are you sure we should just barge in like this?" Goofy asked, scratching his head under his hat. "'S'kinda rude... A-hyuck."

"We have to if we want to find the King!" Donald said, looking a little frustrated. Or something.

"The King?" Goofy gasped. "The King's HERE?"

"Who knows?" Donald shrugged flamboyantly. "There was just this feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that he'd be here. And you know what that means! I'm either hungry or it's a gut feeling."

"Gawrsh! So was I!" Goofy said, looking extremely surprised.

"Wow, me too," Sora chuckled. "One look at this castle, and it's like I had some kind of foresight. I just knew, 'They're here!'"

"Great minds think alike, I guess," said Goofy. "A-hyuck."

"Guess again, Goofy!" Jiminy said, hopping out of Sora's hair. "This cannot be a mere coincidence."

"Why, Jiminy?" Donald asked as he, Sora, and Goofy crouched down to hear the cricket's speech. His water-fowl face fell. If it can... "Wait, don't tell me that you--"

"That's right," Jiminy said, nodding. He took off his hat and put on a Sherlock Holmes-ish one. "I felt it, too."

"Gawrsh, maybe it's contagious."

"Could be..." Sora said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.

Donald slapped them ala Moe from the Three Stooges. "Or maybe something fishy's up! I think we should check it out."

"Owww..." groaned Sora, rubbing his face. "That hurt, Donald!" He sniffled and started to walk away.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Donald asked, jumping up.

Sora gave him a _look_. "I'm going to check it out, like you said! Gosh. Sometimes I think you're a moron, Donald." He smiled and crossed his arms. "What, are you _scared_?"

"N...not on your life," Donald said. "Come on, Goofy."

"Okay, but I think we should be good guests and close the door behind us," he said. "A-hyuck."

Suddenly, in faded that dark figure from before.

Sora gasped and pointed. "GASP! It's that guy who wanted to sell me something!"

"He must be a Farceless if he's that persistent," Donald said, then pulled out his wizardin' staff. "Let's just see how he handles my MAGIC! THUNDER!"

Nothing happened.

"That's weird. THUNDER!" He paused. "Uhh, THUNDER! ...LIGHTNING? FIRE! Blizzard... Aw, shoot. This thing must be out of batteries."

"No, magic requires no batteries," the figure said. He turned his head to Sora. "And no, I don't want to sell you anything. Anyway." He cleared his throat. "The moment you set foot in this castle, you forgot every spell and ability you knew... Including whistling and snapping your fingers."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sora yelled, collapsing to his knees.

"Though, the forgetting does not end there," the man continued, ignoring Sora completely. He waved an arm to the scenery. "In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion."

Sora looked up from his fit. "Castle Oblivion?"

"Yes," replied the figure. "It's a nice name, isn't it? I picked it out."

"Oh... umm... Good job."

"Thanks. Anyway, here you will meet people you know. People you miss."

"People we miss... People we miss..." Sora said, thinking like Winnie the Pooh. "Umm, I'm sorry, but I don't think... OH you mean Riku."

"...Maybe."

"So he's here?"

"Do you want to find him? If you do..." He walked forward, passing through Sora as if he were not solid matter.

"Argh!" Sora argh'd, stumbling backward. He turned to look at the man, with a major 'wtf' look. "What did you just do?"

"I sampled your memories," said the man. With a flick of his wrist he produced a card that had three points up top. "And with them, I made this. This is the key to reuniting with those you hold dear." He threw the card like Yu-Gi-Oh! and Sora caught it.

"What is this?" Sora asked, looking it over. "A card? ...It has a pretty picture..."

"It is a promise," the man said. "Use that card and press on. You will find your friend. Hold that card before you. The door will open, and beyond it... a new world."

"Umm, huh?"

"Go, Sora," said the man, pointing to a door behind the trio. "To lose and claim anew, or to claim anew only to lose..." He faded away.

"Umm... WOW," said Sora. "Well, let's go, I guess..."

He opened the door, and in a flash of light they found themselves in a dimly-lit, cozy-looking town.

"Wait a minute," Sora said with a 'wtf' look. "This can't be right... We're in Traverse Town?"

"It isn't reality that you see."

Sora whipped around, only to see the dark figure again.

"Whatever you're selling, I don't want any!"

"This town is an illusion conceived by your memories," said the man, "ingrained in that card."

"Did you just ignore me?" Sora asked incredulously.

"And if I did? What will you do about it?"

"I... I won't buy anything."

"I'm not selling anything."

"Whatever. Anyway... My memories?"

"Forget about that, Sora!" said Jiminy by his ear. "We're two heads short!"

Sora looked around, only to notice that Donald and Goofy were nowhere to be seen. "GASP!" he gasped. "Donald? Goofy? What did you do with them? Is it because I won't buy your traveling salesman products?"

The man sighed. "They are at the mercy of the cards now. Master the cards, and their strength will be yours again." He got into a fighting stance. "Get ready for a tutorial."

"Oh, pooh."

"The laws of this castle require that your friends be transformed into cards. Don't blame me, it was all that idiot Number II's idea. If you value your friends, you will pick them up without fail."

A card fell from the sky. On it was Donald's face. Sora picked it up.

"Cards you pick up are added to the top of the deck," the man continued. "Use them, and your friends will come to your aid."

"This is all vaguely Yu-Gi-Oh!-ish," Sora said, giving the man a confused look.

"Yeah, we thought so too, but the superior wouldn't have it," the man said, shrugging. "Ah well. You can't always get what you want. Unless it's _by force_." He hunched over sinisterly and went to laugh maniacally but composed himself at the last second.

"You're flamboyant, Mister."

"Yeah, I know." He cleared his throat. "The cards you use vanish, but they will reappear to aid you time and again. Cards are the farce of your friends." He spread his arms again. "Everything in this castle is ruled by cards. Whether an enemy or a door stands in your way, cards are the only way to proceed. But, you mustn't forget your own strength." He looked back at Sora. "First think for yourself. Move, then use the cards."

Sora hit him three times.

"Ow! God damn it, what was that for?"

"Umm, well, I thought that was some kind of prompt..."

"No! You fool child! I'll obliterate you off the face of the--ANYWAY!" He composed himself again, taking deep breaths. "Every move you make causes a card to disappear. If you use up all your cards, you will be unable to act. But... there is a solution. Keep using cards until you run out and I will show you." But before Sora could beat him up again, the man walked up to the boy and snatched his cards away, then threw them on the ground. "Twenty-two pick-up, bitch."

"You're horrible. I hate you. I'll never even _consider_ buying anything _you're_ soliciting." But he picked them up anyway, because if he just stood there pouting nothing would get done.

"The strength of your farce brought back the lost cards," the man explained though he knew it was not true. "You can recall spent cards any time you wish. But each time you do, the cards will take longer to reappear."

"What are you talking about? You--"

"The cards are by no means unlimited," the man went on. "Use them wisely. Anticipate the flow of the battle and choose correctly. You may use any card in the deck at any time. Not like that weird unpronounceable game what with the 'you can only pick as many cards as you have moves' rule. Gosh." He shook his head. "But I digress. The four types of cards you use in battle are grouped into two wider categories. The first category includes attack, magic, and item cards. The second category consists of entirely enemy cards. Cards will empower you whether you are attacking or defending." He pointed to Sora again. "But it is up to you to decide when it is time to attack and time to defend. Do not forget it."

Suddenly, Donald and Goofy were back.

"Donald! Goofy!" Sora said with a delighted look. "Where have you two been? Are you all right? What happened?"

"You tell us," Donald grumbled. "When you opened the door, there was this bright flash of light... and then there's this big blank..."

"Well, try to remember what happened," Jiminy said. "I need to keep my journal up-to-date, after all."

"Hey, wait a second..." Goofy said. "Gawrsh, Donald, where'd you get the new duds?"

"You too, Goofy!" Donald said, noticing that he was indeed out of his sailor suit. Which I kinda miss. "Somebody's pulled a Polly Pocket on us!"

"...What?" Sora asked.

"You wouldn't understand," Donald said flippantly, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Umm, ri-hight... Anyway... The cards again?" Sora asked the man who was still just standing there.

"That is for you to ponder," the man said vaguely. "Master the cards and make your way through the castle. From here on, you walk alone."

"Gawrsh, you mean we can't go with him?" Goofy asked, looking concerned. "That's not fair!"

"Yeah!" Donald agreed, nodding. "Sora can't do anything without our help!"

Sora gave him a _look_. "Gee, thanks a lot, Donald!"

"Sora, are you sure you'll be okay?" Goofy asked him.

"Yeah I will," Sora said reassuringly. He turned back to the man. "You want me to go alone, huh? Well, fine. I can take care of myself."

The man chuckled darkly. "The hero speaks boldly. Go, then. The rest of Castle Oblivion awaits. Walk the avenues of latent memory, and you shall meet someone dear to you." With that, he faded out yet again.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Jiminy said, pulling a lock of Sora's hair up to his chin like a blanket.

"Aww, relax, Jiminy!" Sora said, looking ahead since the cricket was on top of his head and all. "I'm ready for any tricks he's got up his sleeve! How hard can it be to figure out these cards? All I have to do is use one in front of that convenient door over there." He did just this, and the door opened. "Now did that look hard to you?"

"Well..."

"You seriously need to take a chill-pill, buddy," Sora chuckled.

_Traverse Town_

_Some time later..._

Sora fell on his butt, panting. "Maybe fighting by myself isn't as easy as I thought it would be..." He looked up, where Donald and Goofy were standing, staring at him. "ARGH! Don't just pop out of nowhere like that!"

"It's not our fault, doofus," Donald said, crossing his arms. Again. "We have no idea what's going on."

"Gawrsh, Sora, your fighting's gotten kinda rusty," Goofy said. "You sure you don't need us?"

"I'm fine, honest!" Sora said with a goofy smile. Not Goofy's smile, just the adjective goofy.

"Think like that, and you're as good as Farceless fodder," said a familiar, monotonous voice from behind. They all turned to look and saw...

"Leon!" Sora said, smiling and waving. "What are you doing in Castle Oblivion?"

"Castle Oblivion?" Squall asked with a 'wtf' look. "What are you talking about? And how did you know my alia--I mean, name? I've never seen you before in my life."

"Quit playing, Leon," Sora laughed, standing up. "We all fought the Farceless together! You know that!"

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about," Squall said, crossing his arms and looking totally serious. You know, like he always does. "I don't even know your names."

"Say WHAAAT?" Sora asked, falling to his knees.

"You don't?" Goofy asked.

"Nnnope. Sorry."

"I... I can't believe this!" Sora said, his eye twitching. "Have you forgotten us?"

"Hey, I feel for you, despite not ever forgetting... Oh, wait, yes I have. Never mind. But you've got the wrong guy." He shrugged. "Happens all the time. Don't take it so personally, Sora."

"You DO know his name!" Donald said, pointing accusingly.

Squall looked mildly surprised. "Hmm... I wonder why I know your name?"

"Because you're playing some sick joke?" Sora guessed, sounding bitter.

"You think Leon's just kidding around?" Goofy asked.

"Well, it's not very funny," Donald said, gah-LARING at Squall.

"Who's kidding around, Goofy? You and Donald can just back up off my cornbread."

"Umm... I am shocked that you are letting up on this convincing joke suddenly, and slightly weirded out by the fact that you just said 'back up off my cornbread'." Sora gave him a 'wtf' look.

Squall put a hand to his forehead. "I don't get it... What's happened to my memory?"

"I dunno, Leon," said a feminine voice from nowhere as Yuffie walked onto the scene. "Maybe Aeris was onto something after all."

Leon made a face.

"She said she sensed some kind of uncanny power," Yuffie said with a big flamboyant smile. "And this is as uncanny as it gets. Maybe we should bring Sora and the others to Aeris."

"Yuffie! You know my name!" Sora said happily.

"Umm, yeah, let's go with that... And it looks like you know mine, too!"

Squall looked at Yuffie, then Sora, then Yuffie. "A friend of yours?"

"Nope! In fact, I've never even seen him before in my life. Buuuut, I definitely know his name! Strange, I know, but it's really convenient!" She winked. "We can skip introductions."

"Well, I guess our problems are solved," Squall said sarcastically.

"Anyways, I'm gonna run ahead and fill Aeris in," Yuffie said. "Leon, you give Sora and the others the grand tour. See ya later!" With that, she threw a smoke bomb and while nobody was looking, she ran off.

"Well, let's get this over with," Squall said uninterestedly. "Come on, follow me. Be careful, though. There are still tons of Farceless roaming around... I'd better teach you how to protect yourself in battle." And he went to get his gunblade out from nowhere...

"Oh, no," Sora said, holding up a hand. "I'll figure it out eventually."

Squall was silent for a moment, before shrugging slightly. "Fine. Have it your way." He started walking off, but stopped. "By the way... Here, I found this lying around. You take it." He tossed a card over his back and by some illogical miracle, it landed in Sora's hands about oh... two yards away.

"Wow, this brings back memories," Sora said, holding up a card with Simba on it. "It's just like... Well, you wouldn't know, would you?" He chuckled, then looked horribly, horribly depressed. "Eheh..."

_Some time later..._

"Aeris, tell me you haven't forgotten me, too!" Sora said hopefully.

The woman sighed and tilted her head to the side. "I don't know whether to say 'nice to meet you' or 'it's good to see you again'... It feels like a little bit of both. I don't think I know you, but it still feels like you belong here. Man, Nomura's just milking my Sueness, huh?"

"Umm, what?"

"Nothing, nothing!" laughed Aeris, waving a dismissive hand.

"Yeah, it's like we've never met, but it's perfectly normal that we know your names anyway," Yuffie said, nodding.

"But we HAVE met!" Sora said. "We took on the Farceless together. We were a team!" He buried his face in his hands. "A team... An A-Team!"

"Was I... was I Murdock?" Aeris asked.

"Yes!"

"It feels like you're right, but I can't remember," Squall said.

"Then I guess you won't remember what you told me," Sora said. "In Hollow Bastion, when I sealed the Keyhole: 'We may never meet again--'"

"--but we'll never forget each other," the man finished for him.

"You _do_ remember!"

"He's right, Leon," Yuffie said. "I remember you saying that, too."

"I guess... I can't write it off as a coincidence, then..."

Aeris nodded. "I don't think I have any memory of it... but, somehow, I remember it as well. Maybe Sora's farce is doing the remembering for us."

"How does THAT work?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

"We don't know yet, Sora. But your farce is full of memories of us together. Those memories must resonate within our farce, too. Maybe they tell us things we shouldn't otherwise know."

"So, you're saying that Sora's memories are affecting ours?" Squall asked.

"Precisely," Aeris said, nodding and smiling.

"Maybe it's like that traveling salesman said," Sora said thoughtfully, looking skywards because that's kind of a good place to look when thinking. "This town is just an illusion. Something my memories created..."

"And... there's something special to you in this town?" Aeris asked.

"Yeah, how'd you... Oh, right. The whole memory thing. Whatever. A friend of mine is somewhere in this town... I mean, Castle Oblivion..."

Yuffie raised an eyebrow. "Castle Oblivion? What's that? There aren't any castles in Traverse Town."

"That's umm, not quite what I meant."

"Sora probably still has his own questions," Aeris said, then gave him an understanding look. "Don't you?"

"That may or may not be an understatement," Sora said vaguely. "But yeah, I do! We just got here, after all. It wouldn't hurt to take a look around..."

"Then go have a walk around town," Squall said. "There are Farceless, but that's no problem for you."

"So! You know I can fight!" Sora said, laughing somewhat dementedly. Err, yeah.

Squall was silent for a moment. "I can't say I remember... But... I am starting to believe."

_Some time later..._

"Well, whaddya know? It's Sora!" said Cid, smiling widely. He frowned thoughtfully. "Wait, what am I saying? I don't know you at all!" He pulled out a shot-gun and cocked it, but hesitated. "Well, you certainly do _look_ like a Sora..."

"Really? My friends say I look like a Greg," Sora said.

"...what with the spiky hair and baggy-yet-oddly-slimming jumpsuit." Cid rubbed his fuzzy chin in thought. "So yeah. You're definitely a Sora."

"Well, I guess it's okay, Uncle Cid. Cuz that _is_ my name. ...Don't wear it out."

"Y-you know my name? Can't say I'm surprised... but why in the wonderful world of Disney are you calling me 'Uncle Cid' you little punk?"

"Umm... long story, not a lot of time to explain," Sora said, dismissing it with a flamboyant wave of his hand. "Just accept it. I'm not going to call you just 'Cid'. That would be ridiculous!" He laughed at the prospect of possibly calling Cid by his actual name with no titles added for his convenience. He stopped abruptly and went completely serious. "Anyway. Maybe you could help me out, Uncle Cid. A friend of mine is supposed to be somewhere in this castl--I mean, town."

"Your friend, hmm?" He leaned on his shot-gun and rubbed his fuzzy chin again. "Well, lately all this town sees is Farceless. Farceless here, Farceless there, everywhere one o' them little buggy things. But the plaza's the worst. Word 'round town is that we'll have a jumbo-gumbo of a Farceless once the bell rings. If you want to live to see your family again, take a train or somethin' outta town."

"Aww, but..."

But Cid had left.

Sora turned around, where Goofy and Donald were now standing.

"Gawrsh, Sora, maybe he's right!" Goofy said.

"But don't you guys want to see the Farceless?" Sora asked.

Donald stomped his foot on the ground several times. "No, no, no, NO, we do NOT want to see the Farceless! You are such a moron! 'You wanna see deh Farceless?' NO!"

"Geez, Donald, you don't have to overreact. You might give yourself a heart attack or something. Lighten up."

Then an earthquake started or something and the Guard Armor popped in for a visit. It assembled like a Transformer and they fought to the death.

Now, if you have read the original Kingdom Farce, you should know that being killed gets the plot nowhere. This is evident in Chapter Thirteen. Sora (plus) death (equals) An extremely boring and terrible plot. If you have not read the original Kingdom Farce... well, it's out there. Go check it out. What are you doing reading the sequel before the first one? You loser.

Anyway.

Sora won.

"So your friend wasn't here?" Yuffie asked while counting up some munny she had just stolen from Sora's wallet. SHHH! Nobody needs to know!

"Nah, I don't think I'll find him here," Sora said, looking somewhat disappointed. "He's somewhere in this castle, that much I'm sure of. Although... I hope he doesn't want to hold my hand again. It's really pissing off the fangirls who still think we're straight."

"Castle?" Cid asked as though Sora's last two sentences had never been uttered. "Like this whole town is in some ginormigantuan castle? Haw haw, that's funny, kid."

Squall looked broody. Well, more broody than he usually is. "He's probably right, Cid. We might not understand what exactly is going on, but Sora does. I think. I don't know, I'm no mind reader. But he can see that reality is bigger than just this world."

Sora looked down with a sigh. "I wish... I was that sure."

"You'll be fine, Sora," Squall said, showing a slight smile. Wow. 'S'. "No matter what shape reality may take, you can handle it. I might not remember you, but I know you in my farce."

"Aww, Leon..."

"Take care of your wallet, Sora," Yuffie said, waving a little.

"I'm so lost right now a rat in a maze would be able to find the door faster than I can find out what's going on," Cid admitted. "Good luck anyway."

They waved good-bye and the three left, leaving Sora, Donald, and Goofy to do stuff. But just as they were about to leave, Aeris stopped Sora.

"Wassup?" Sora asked. Yes, like a gangstah.

"I have all the answers but for the convenience of masking my true identity, I don't. There's something I thought you should know," Aeris said quickly. "Your memories created this town, correct?"

"I don't know, I'm just going along with what everyone is telling me," Sora said with an extremely flamboyant shrug.

"Well, if that's true, then this town is just a figment of your imagination... and so are we."

"Figment? You mean like Bob?" Sora asked.

"Who's Bob?"

"No one, no one..."

Aeris nodded slowly. "Anyway... I'm not really me, Sora. I don't remember the things I should. I sense things I shouldn't (or, maybe I should. I _am_ a Cetra, after all). Sora... beware your memories." She looked serious. "In the journey to come, you will face more illusions like me. Sometimes the shadows of your memory will deceive you, try and lead you astray."

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM!

"So, uhhh... what? You mind repeating that?"

Aeris rolled her eyes. "I am an illusion," she said slowly, an emphesis on every word.

"Aww, don't say stuff like that! It's really depressing."

She slapped him.

"Ow! What did you do that for? You _must_ be an illusion because I know your little pacifist real self would never do that!"

"Don't let the illusions distract you from what is truly important," Aeris said, jerking her hand back.

"Well I might not listen to you since you slapped me."

"Sora!" called Donald.

"Are you ready to go? It's been five minutes, a-hyuck!"

Sora turned around and said, "Yeah, I'll be right there!" Then he turned back to Aeris. "Well, it was nice talking to you Illusion Aeris Who is Incidentally a Bitch, but..." But she was gone. Oh no. Bleh.

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM!

"Aeris?"

"What about Aeris, Sora?" Donald asked, waddling up to him.

"She was... she was just here! And she slapped me for no good reason!"

"Gawrsh, what are you talkin' about, Sora? She left with the others!"

"Say WHAAAT?"

"You were just standing here, staring at your shoes," Donald said. "We were about to come over and like, slap you around a little, but then you started hallucinating."

"I'm not hallucinating!" He shook an angry fist at Donald. As Donald and Goofy walked away, he looked at the cobblestones lining the road thoughtfully. _Maybe... this is what she meant..._


	2. Castle Oblibbity Jibber Whatsit

(Note: Say hello to the patented Backwards Line. It's somewhere in there. You'll spot it because it looks like a bunch of gibberish. And yeah, I am kind of bashing Axel in this chapter, because I _hate him with a burning passion to rival the fires of the sun._ ...No pun intended with the 'burning passion' thing. But he's a moron.)

"So, Sora," said the guy in the black cloak. "Did you enjoy your memories?"

"They were okay," Sora said, shrugging. "So, are you back to offer to sell me something completely useless, Mr. Traveling Salesman?"

"No. No I am not. I don't sell anything. Gosh. You just don't learn."

"Boo!" said some guy with bright red hair styled back in spikes. He had stupid hair, that's what kind of hair he had.

"AH! Another salesman!" Sora yelled.

"What do you want?" groaned the first man.

"I got bored," said the second, shrugging. "And what does he mean by 'another salesman'?"

"It's uhh... complicated," the first lied. "But perhaps you would like to test him...?"

"Perhaps I would!" said the second with a hint of a bad attitude. In other words, he did it childishly.

"Fine. Be that way," said the first man, then he disappeared.

The second man turned to Sora. "Well, it looks like the job of director has been shifted to me, Keyblade master. The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

"A-wha?"

"Good enough." He shrugged and held out his hands. In a burst of flame his weapons appeared in his hands. "Now that we're on a first-name basis an' all... don't you go dyin' on me!"

Then they fought TO THE DEATH and Sora won. Yay.

Sora looked around. There were some cards lying on the spot where Axel had disappeared, and he picked them up. There were more pictures on them. "Eee! Prettier pictures!"

"More cards?" Goofy asked, scratching his head under his hat.

"They look kind of like the card that made Traverse Town," Jiminy observed.

"Then, uhh... they'll take us back to Traverse Town?"

Donald stared at him, then said, "Nooooooo, we need these to go to other worlds. To find the King."

"And Riku?"

"Neh. Maybe."

"Correct-a-mundo," came Axel's voice as he appeared out of nowhere.

"Axel!" Donald gasped.

"What, after an introduction like that, you think I'd give up the ghost?"

"What the heck are you talking about?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look. "You were just testing our strength?"

"Congratulations, Sora," said Axel sarcastically, clapping. "You get an A-plus. Follow your memories and trust what you remember, seek what you forget... and you may just find the person you're looking for."

"You mean Riku and the King?" Goofy asked.

Axel shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe." He then smiled as though he knew something that they didn't. "You'll just have to give some more thought to who's most important to you. Our most precious memories lie deep within our farce, out of reach..." He smiled and put a hand to his heart. "But you can find yours, Sora."

"GASP! How?" Sora asked like an eager beaver.

"The light within the darkness. You have lost sight of it, Sora. You've forgotten forgetting."

Sora was silent for a moment, then made a face. "Well that makes no sense at all."

"Do I need to give you a hint?"

"N...no, I want to figure it out for myself. In about thirty years. Call me when I'm out of college, I'll have it figured out by then. You will anyway--you look like the phone salesman type."

"Salesman?" Axel gained a 'wtf' look. "Umm... That aside, that's the kind of answer I wanted. Just what I was expecting from the Keyblade master. But be aware, that when your sleeping memories awaken, you may no longer be yourself. So long." With that, he disappeared.

_A few seconds later..._

"Hrmm..." Jiminy 'hrmm'd thoughtfully.

"What's the matter, Jiminy?" Sora asked.

"What Axel said... it's bothering me to no end," Jiminy confessed. "What did he mean by 'you may no longer be yourself?'"

"He said that? I wasn't really paying attention... But anyway. How can I be anyone besides me?"

"Your two-year-old intellect is somehow wise, spiky-haired one," Jiminy said reflectively. "But still, it always pays to be careful."

"Gawrsh, he's right, Sora! Just about anything can happen here in Castle Oblibbity-jibber-watsit," Goofy said.

"Oblivion!" Donald corrected him loudly.

"Right, that's what I said, Donald!"

"Ah, you guys worry too much," Sora said, waving them off. "Whatever they're cooking up, we can handle it. You know. Despite my obvious disadvantage because you guys are cards most of the time an' all."

"Hey, remember that other castle we explored together?" Goofy asked with an oblivious smile. "The one with all them contraptions?"

They all reminisced but found nothing to reminisce _about_.

"And this was when...?" Sora asked, confused.

"'Contraptions'? I don't remember anything like that..." Donald said. "What was it called?"

"Gawrsh, what was it called? Hollow... Haller... Maybe it started with a 'Z'?" He was silent for a few seconds, then gave them both a distressed look. "Aw, gawrsh! I forgot."

"Goofy, are you sure your Disney-brand imagination's not running wild?" Sora asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm... I'm sure it's not," Goofy said. "I think..."

With that, they entered the next doorway to another world. Or memory. Whatever.

_Agrabah_

"Look, Sora!" Goofy said, pointing at a guy surrounded by Farceless. "Someone's in trouble!"

"Go go Power Rangers!" said the Power Rangers, appearing out of nowhere.

"What?" Sora asked.

"I don't know," said the Red Ranger, then disappeared with the other Power Rangers to wherever it is that Power Rangers go.

"Sora, control your memories," Donald snapped, smacking Sora with his wizardin' staff.

"I... I'm sorry..." Sora trailed off, looking somewhat mesmerized while also managing to look a little embarrassed. "I was a Power Rangers kid."

"We couldn't tell," Donald said sarcastically. "Anyway. Back to the guy in trouble!" He cleared his throat. "We'd better do something!"

They ran up to the guy surrounded by Farceless and got ready to FIGHT! "Looks like you could use some help," Sora said like a corn-ball.

"Thanks!" said the guy. "For a second I thought I was done for..."

So they fought the Farceless (that is, SORA fought the Farceless), and once that particular group was good and dead, another popped up to try their hand at a fight. Wee. I'm making no sense.

"They just keep coming!" Donald complained. You know. Even though he hasn't done anything. Not really, anyway.

"Guess we'd better see if the legends are true," said Aladdin because you should know that by now. He pulled a lamp out of nowhere and held it up. "Magic lamp! Get rid of these Farceless!"

Did Aladdin even know what the Farceless were before Sora came to Agrabah? And if Aladdin's an illusion right now, and since illusions don't seem to remember anything, would he really know that they were indeed called Farceless? Or is Aladdin immune to the 'illusions can't remember' rule? Damn it, Aladdin! You're confusing me.

"Did someone say WISH?" Genie asked flamboyantly, appearing in a burst of blue smoke.

"...No."

Genie either did not hear Aladdin or ignored him. I don't know. Probably the second one. "Then stand back, kids! Genie of the Lamp comin' through!" He rolled up his imaginary sleeves. "One Farceless disappearing act, coming right up!"

He lifted his arms to the heavens and everything got all dramatic (thunder crashed, lighting struck in the distance, the wind picked up, and black clouds rolled in), and just as the music that had started playing in the background reached its crescendo, the Farceless disappeared...

...in unitimidating puffs of blue smoke. Just like that.

Gone.

"Now, if it was that simple, why didn't you do it to begin with?" Donald asked with his hands on his hips.

"Well, that's just it. It's _not_ that simple. See--"

"Let _me_ explain, Al," Genie said, shoving the man aside. "I'm limited to three wishes per master."

"What? Can't you just wish for more wishes?" Sora asked.

"Well, yes, you can. But to make it fair..." He turned to Aladdin. "NO. No wishing for more wishes."

"Aww, maaaan," Aladdin groaned, snapping his fingers in disappointment.

"Don't you 'aww, maaaan' the Genie of the Lamp," Genie said, ghetto-snapped, then disappeared off the face of the earth or something to that effect.

"So you've got two wishes left, huh?" Sora asked. He grew excited. "If I were you, I'd wish for a pony!"

"A pony?" Aladdin asked. "What's that?"

"A little horse! I've always wanted a pony..."

"Sora, are you sure you're mentally stable?" Donald asked.

"Geez, what kind of question was that, Donald?" Sora said, looking offended. "That was more offensive than anything _I've_ ever said." He was silent for a moment. "Uhh, anyway... I think it might be. Does calling your best friend a gay-wad count?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Then never mind. I've said a lot more offensive things than that."

"ANYWAY!" said the rest of the world.

"I've gotta get back to the palace somehow," Aladdin said. He sighed an over-exaggerated sigh and looked helpless. "But with all these Farceless..."

"Gawrsh, well, we're headed that way too!" Goofy said as if it were some big coincidence. He turned to his pals. "How's about we help Aladdin get there, fellas? A-hyuck."

"Headed for the palace? Since when?" Donald asked.

"Yeah, I don't remember that in our plans for the day," Sora agreed.

But Aladdin had heard what he had wanted to hear. "You guys don't have to do that for me. But thanks for doing it anyway! Come on, let's go before we're like, killed or something."

_Some time later..._

"So, uh, why are you goin' to the palace, Aladdin?" Goofy asked as they made their way to the palace.

"It's this magic lamp I found in the Cave of Wonders," Aladdin explained. "I need to get it back to the palace. I'm surprised I wasn't ripped limb-from-limb by the Farceless back there! Cuz the cave was crawling with them."

"Didn't you have a safety buddy or something to help?" Sora asked, surprised that Aladdin would indeed travel without his safety buddy. That was just ludicrous and unheard of!

To Sora, anyway.

"Oh, I know just how you feel, Master," Genie said, sighing and sounding kind of like a gossiping woman. "I've been delivering happiness for about a dozen-score and yet I've got no help at all. I keep dreamin' that someday I'll be outta this gig, but so far that hasn't happened. ...Obviously."

Aladdin was silent for a moment. "Well... how about I use my third wish to free you?"

Genie gasped. "GASP! You would do that? For little ol' me? I'm so flattered!"

(.enil taht gnisu saw enoemos esuaceb eruzies a dah lexA ,erehwemos dnA)

"Yeah, well it's a promise, Genie," Aladdin said with a smile. "Anyway... there's really only one thing I want."

"Then we'll just have to do something about that, Al!" Genie said excitedly. "So, what'll it be? Fame? Fortune? A herd of luxury camels to call your own... or perhaps a harem of beautiful Final Fantasy women?"

"Well, that last one is tempting..." The man shook his head. "No, what am I saying? There's only one girl for me! ...Sigh. But she's a princess. See, it's hard for a guy like me to see her. Except on Tuesdays. But that's how this all started. Jafar, the royal vizier, said that he'd help me see Jasmine."

"Sounds like your wish should be that you can see Jasmine any time you want, huh?" Sora asked.

"You're in luck, Al! Today at Genie's Discount Wishes, we have a special on social makeovers." Genie smiled and patted Aladdin on the back. "You'll not only get the girl, but you'll do so in style... as Prince Ali! How does it sound, little buddy?"

Aladdin's eyes lit up. "Really?" he asked in almost a whisper, a childlike look on his face.

"In an Agrabah minute!" came the bad pun that was Genie's reply.

"Sora, let's hurry to the palace!" He held his scimitar onwards.

_(insert Batman theme and cutaway)_

"GASP!" gasped Donald, pointing at a group of Farceless surrounding a huddled figure. "What the...? Look at that!"

"GASP!" gasped Aladdin, also pointing at the group of Farceless. "It's Jasmine!"

"She needs our help!" Goofy said valiantly.

"But... we'll never make it in time!" Sora cried forlornly.

Donald smacked him with his wizardin' staff and gave him a look. "Since when have you been a pessimist?"

"Since now," came Sora's immature reply.

"I guess I have no choice," sighed Aladdin. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. "Genie, I wish for you to save Jasmine!"

Genie popped out of nowhere and made the Farceless disappear. Again. "Whoot-cha! How do you like them apples, boys?" He chuckled and flexed his muscles. "Jah, jah, Arnold Schwartzengenie."

"Stop it. Just stop it," Sora said. "_You. Are. Not. Robin. Williams._ Thus you are ultimately not nearly as funny!"

"Are you doubting Homer Simpson's acting abilities?" nobody in particular asked, then disappeared. He's back!

"Jasmine!" Aladdin yelled, running over to the lump that was Jasmine. Geez. She's either complaining or passing out. That sounded so bitchy. "Jasmine, don't die on me!"

"Gawrsh, she just passed out, Aladdin," Goofy said reassuringly, patting Aladdin on the back.

"But now you've only got one wish left..." Sora sighed. "Looks like there's no pony in your future, Aladdin..."

They all turned to their left, where another group of Farceless had come out of nowhere.

"Oh sh... Sorry, Genie, but this might be more important than me seeing Jasmine twenty-four/seven," Aladdin said. He paused and looked thoughtful. "Then again... if she wakes up in the next few seconds to witness my act of heroism, maybe she'd fall for me, and then we could see each other all the time with minimal effort!"

"But Genie would be doing all the work," Sora pointed out. "_And_ it's your last wish."

"Well, uhh... physical pain is nowhere near as hurtful as emotional pain," Aladdin said like a fortune cookie and Sora entered battle with the Farceless with his card buddies helping him.

And he won, biznatch! Of course.

Sora leaned on his Keyblade and smiled. "See? We didn't need Genie for this one. We had it covered. We handled it with that minimal effort you were talking about. We--"

A bright flashing made them all look around.

Sora fell on his face. Not a face-fault--just the way he was leaning on the Keyblade made him fall over because if I were him I would be startled by random flashes in the vicinity, too. "What the-?" he said, but it was kind of muffled because he was eating dirt (figuratively) so it sounded kind of like, 'Mmrph fmah?'

"The lamp!" Aladdin gasped, slapping his cheeks in shock.

"Well, well, welly well," Jafar said, appearing out of nowhere. "It seems my plans have gone amiss. I was most certain you'd waste your last wish... what with poor Jasmine in distress and the Farceless dancing about." He held up the lamp. "But it matters not. At last, the lamp is mine to command!" He went into a random fit of maniacal laughter.

"Why are you doing this, Jafar?" Aladdin asked. "I brought you the lamp!"

"Don't think you can fool me, BOY!" Jafar snapped. "You were going to use the lamp to win Jasmine. But we cannot have that, can we? No, for it isn't you who Jasmine will marry. Nor is it anyone you know as a friend/acquaintance/safety buddy/escort/body-guard/magical creature. But before I reveal the mind-blowing answer, would you like to guess who it could be?" He smiled evilly.

"Umm... is it Goofy?" Sora asked.

"...No."

"It's you?" Aladdin asked, gaping in surprise.

"Of course! You don't think I'd let up this chance, did you?" He frowned. "You _are_ dull if you didn't know I was an opportunist." He cleared his throat and gave a dismissive wave of his hand. "But I digress. If I marry Princess Jasmine, then nothing will stop me from becoming the new king of Agrabah. You were nothing more than a pawn on my proverbial chess board, street rat. You were jumped ages ago."

"That's checkers..." Sora said, making a face.

"Whatever." He rubbed the lamp. "Genie! My first wish! Deliver Jasmine to me!"

Genie complied.

"Genie! How could you?" Aladdin asked, devastated.

"Sorry, Al," Genie sighed. "My hands are tied on this one. I gotta obey whoever has his mitts on the lamp... good or bad."

"Exactly!" chuckled Jafar. "Farewell, fools!" He laughed maniacally again as Genie carried both Jafar and Jasmine out of the area. "Mwahahahaheeheeheehoohoo...hoo!"

Aladdin looked annoyed. "Great. Just GREAT. Now I've lost Jamsmine _and_ the lamp." He sighed, pushing back his hair. It merely flipped back into his face. "Today's just not my day..."

Sora went into Inspirational Speech Mode. He put his hands on his hips and looked determined. "Well, you can feel sorry for yourself later. If you don't pull yourself together, then you might not ever see Jasmine ever again! So you lost the lamp--you don't need that lamp. You had the strength to defeat the Farceless all this time! It wasn't the lamp, it was you, Aladdin! It was YOU. You can still save Jasmine, you just have to believe!" He smiled. "Losing someone is hard, but never getting them back is even harder." He crossed his arms. "So what are we going to do?"

"We're uh... going to go get the lamp back?"

"No! We're going to save Jasmine WITHOUT the lamp," Sora corrected him.

"Well, we can't just walk up to Jafar and say, 'let us win' and expect him to actually do it," Donald said skeptically.

"Maybe we can," Aladdin said, rubbing his chin. "Listen up. I've got a plan..."

_Some time later..._

Sora and friends (Donald and Goofy) approached Jafar.

"What's this?" Jafar chuckled. "Has the BOY given up on his precious Jasmine so soon? Well, I'm not going to waste my wishes on the likes of you three. I shall deal with you myself..."

"Aladdin, NOW!" Sora yelled.

Aladdin came out of nowhere and ran for Jafar...

_A few seconds later..._

Sora and his Disney companions were hanging over a lava pit, tied together with a rope that dangled from the ceiling.

"Well, I guess it would've been better if Aladdin had actually _explained_ the plan," Sora said thoughtfully. "Because that didn't work. At all."

"You foolish street rat," Jafar sneered from a cliff above. "Did you honestly believe that you could defeat me and/or reclaim the lamp so easily?" He laughed.

"A-HA!" said Aladdin, managing to wriggle his hand out of the ropes that bound him and pointing a finger at Jafar. "Yes, but little do you realize that I just made you waste your second wish! Joke's on you, Jafar!"

Jafar stopped laughing, frowning and narrowing his eyes at Aladdin. "I should have expected as much from a street rat. But little do _you_ realise that I still have one more wish on me. So now I can crush you once and for all, AND take Jasmine as my minor of a bride. Genie!" He held up the lamp again. "My last wish: I wish I were an all-powerful genie!"

"Laaaaame," groaned Sora.

After a few more flashes, Jafar the All-Powerful Genie floated with his arms crossed above the lava-pit. Sora was standing on a platform that was directly under the genie.

"Okay! Well, I kinda wanted to let Aladdin do this, but... I guess I'll have to beat you," Sora said, readying the Keyblade.

"You _guess_ you'll have to beat me?" boomed Jafar. He laughed. "Hahaha! You are a mere splatter on my windshield! Or, you will be when I'm done with you..."

"Bring it on!" Sora said, making the corresponding motion with his hand. Jafar leaned down and flicked Sora away with a giant finger. "Argh!" He landed on the edge of the platform and whimpered. "I'm _sorry-hee-hee_!"

Somehow Sora's flow of estrogen stopped at that precise moment and he got up and managed to beat Jafar. Even though it's statistically impossible. Oh well. Square (plus) logic (equals) huh?

"That takes care of that," Donald said with an air of finality.

"You didn't even do anything," Sora said bluntly.

"Uhh, yes I did?"

"Jasmine's saved and we got the lamp back," Aladdin said, looking extremely proud and also looking like he had done an extremely hard day's work. "And I still have one wish left, too."

Genie smiled. "Yep! Time to make a prince outta you, Al," Genie said. He then looked depressed. "But man, it sure would be nice to be free... Like that say, 'genies can't be choosers'. So choose what's in your farce, Al--I understand if you don't want to set me free and all. Wish for what your farce's yelling for you to."

"Since when does farce do _that_?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

"Since now!"

"Okay, here goes..." Aladdin then took one of the longest and most dramatic pauses in the history of forever. "I wish... for your freedom, Genie!"

Genie's wristbands disappeared and legs popped out of his waist. "GASP! But Al!"

"Now no one like Jafar can use you for evil ever again," Aladdin said, smiling.

"But... what about Jasmine? What are you going to do about that?" Genie asked, despite the fact that he liked being free. But he was being polite.

Some generic 'I learned my lesson' music started up in the background. "I was wrong, Genie," Aladdin said. "If I used your help to win Jasmine, would I not be just stealing Jafar's idea? He might have copyrighted it. But Jasmine means the world to me. I want to show her the real me." He put his hands on his hips and looked proud. "I know now that I don't need your help, Genie. If I want to get Jasmine I'll just do it myself."

"That's the spirit!" Sora said.

"Thanks, Sora," Aladdin thanked him. As an afterthought, he added, "Oh, and good luck."

"Say wha--?"

"Well, when I was really ready to give up, you gave that inspirational speech back there, and it kept me going. And that's when it hit me--you must be looking for someone you care about, too."

"Yeah, let's go with that," Sora said, gaining a shifty look.

"Hey, Genie..." Aladdin trailed off, turning to his big blue friend.

That makes me think of Paul Bunyon for some reason... Durn Canadian folk-lore.

"Say no more, little pal! I know exactly what you're thinking. Here you go, kiddo!" He tossed Sora a card.

"Wow, this is a great picture of you," Sora said.

"You really think so?" Genie asked, looking bashful. He batted his suddenly-girly eye-lashes. "I do believe that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day!"

"I told you this morning that you... hey, where's Abu?" Aladdin asked suddenly, looking around the area. No Abu was to be found.

Sora slapped his forehead. "Ooooh, yeeeeah! That's right!" He chuckled. "Abu sacrificed himself for the greater good the last time we..."

"What?"

"...we... we... uhh... did... stuff... yeah."

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, we'll be seein' ya," Sora said, walking off. "Or, you know, not. Come on, Donald and Goofy. We're leaving."


	3. Portrait of an Idiot

_**ReVERSE ReBIRTH**_

_Riku's Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Story_

A/N: Neh yeah I decided to post this early. It's just because I was looking forward to seeing how badly you would take it or whatever.

qpqpqp

dbdbdb

Riku opened his eyes. His eyelids were heavy and felt crusted; his mouth had a bad taste in it. He looked around, but could only see…

Blinding white light. You know, the fluorescent kind. The kind that just makes you want to squint and say 'eh' like a Canadian person? Yeah. It was like that.

Only about ten thousand times worse.

"Ugh… Was I drunk?" he asked himself.

"_No,_" said an apparently omniscient voice from nowhere.

"Well, if I'm not drunk, why is there an omnipotent voice in my head telling me 'no'?" he asked, sitting up.

"_Well, for one thing, I'm not in your head,_" the voice said. "_And for another, if I was omnipotent, I'd be God, or Vishnu or Zeus or whoever. You see, I see you, but my, I'm not some god who goes around giving you epiphanies._" The voice chuckled.

"…Hmm. Let me correct myself: Why is there a voice who sounds oddly like Saru—"

"_Sleep,_" the voice said as if it were Obi-Wan Kenobi using his crazy mad Jedi powers on someone.

"What? But I just woke up!"

"_Sleep. Here, between light and dark._"

"Between say huh?" Riku asked, squinting. Then he looked like he remembered something. Something IMPORTANTÉ! "GASP! The King! Where's the King? We closed the Door to Darkness together, but—there's a ginormigantuan blank after that…" He growled slightly. Gosh, what is he? A dog? "Why can't I remember?"

"_Your King is far away_," said the voice. "_Sleep, and leave the war with darkness in his hands. Goodness, are the producers sure this is the Kingdom Hearts script? It sounds an awful lot like Lord of the—_"

"You sound like I'm some… some demon of the dark," Riku said.

"_Can you face the truth?_" the voice said cryptically.

At this, a large, ominous dark energy ball (which was, incidentally, glowing; yeah, I don't know how a _dark_ energy ball _glows_) formed in front of him. He faintly saw the outline of some rectangular thing or other, so he reached into the energy and plucked it out.

"Is this a card?" Riku asked, examining the slip of laminated cardboard.

"_It is a door to the truth_," the omnipresent voice said. "_Take it, and your sleep ends. Take it, and take the first baby steps toward the truth. But know this, Padawan: the truth is a very scary and painful thing. It drives some people mad._"

"Umm… I've already taken it."

The voice was silent for a moment. "_Ah. So you have._" It cleared its throat, if it even had one at all. "_Well, since that's the case…_"

"This was a pretty boring place to take a nap, anyway," Riku coughed.

"_Well said, Riku_," the voice said with an air of finality.

The light faded to reveal a not-that-much-less fluorescent room, with white walls, floors, and plants, all made of marble.

"Argh!" Riku argh'd, shielding his eyes. He blinked and squinted, just able to make out some of the shapes of the plants. "Well, it's not so bad…"

He spotted a door nearby, and went through it, relieved that he didn't have to stay in the blindingly white place for more than his capacity would allow.

This wasn't really a lot, mind you.

_Hollow Bastion_

"GASP!" Riku gasped, taking a gander around. That's a funny way of saying 'looked around', but it's also fun to say, especially just in public when you're bored. But whatever, this isn't time to be rambling. "This is Maleficent's castle! Now how in blue blazes did I end up HERE? I bet that crazy voice brought me here while I was sleeping."

"_Oh, heavens no!_" laughed the voice. "_And besides—what you see is not real; it's the world of your memory_."

"My memory?" Riku asked with a 'wtf' look.

"_I.e., the things you remember of Maleficent's castle from your time there. Those memories became a card, and that card made this world. Just think Yu-Gi-Oh! but without the stupid American dub._"

"Ah…" Riku said, looking like he really got it.

"_The things you see—you've seen them all before, have you not?_"

"Yes, yes, I vaguely remember half the stuff in here," Riku said. He crossed his arms skeptically. "So, what—am I supposed to learn a valuable life lesson while I'm here?"

The voice chuckled. "_Well, that's not for me to decide, Riku_."

"Hey, how come you know my name?"

"_I'm omnipresent, remember?_"

"Oh, yeah…" He shook his head. "And will I per chance meet someone I know here?"

"_That's usually how it goes._"

"'Usually'?" Riku asked with a raised eyebrow. When he got no answer, he sighed. "All right, voice, have it your way. But I'll be back! And if I ever run across you, you're DEAD!" He shook an angry fist at the ceiling.

(laughs) As IF that's where the owner of this mysterious omnipresent voice is! Ho ho, we had a great laugh there, Riku.

_Some time later…_

Riku entered the room shaking his head. "It's just like he said… everything's just how I remember it. Even this room… Hey, is that Mr. Bobo?"

"_Who's Mr. Bobo?_" the voice asked.

"Oh, he's my teddy—" Riku started, but looked up in surprise. "Wait—is that you, voice?"

"_Well, I'm certainly not Count Dracula_," the voice chuckled.

Riku hid Mr. Bobo behind his back. "Sorry, but these memories I could do without," he said like an emo bitch. He looked around once more, then, seething, he said, "Maleficent gave me this room…"

"_So she did…_" said the voice. "_And you lived here, tempted by the darkness she offered. You cast away your friends, family, and home… but, hey, at least they gave you a nice room and a teddy bear_."

"It's not like I readily accepted all this!" Riku said, flailing the teddy bear at him. He caught himself and threw the bear onto a nearby bed.

But the voice didn't reply, so Riku ran out of the room.

_Some time later…_

"There's no one here, either," Riku sighed upon entering the next room that triggered an event. "There's nothing but Farceless in this godforsaken castle…" He looked around suspiciously. "Oh, come on! No witty commentary? No snarky remarks?"

"_Oh, I'm terribly sorry,_" said the voice. "_I'm afraid I wasn't listening…_"

"Yeah, you _better_ be afraid!"

"_That was… Okay, go on._"

"Well, since you're here, maybe you could kindly explain to me what the heck is up with this place," Riku said. No, no, he demanded it, he didn't say it. Sorry about the mix-up.

"_Are you sure you want to see them?_"

"Of course I do," Riku scoffed, looking a little hurt.

"_But you cast them aside_," said the voice. "_To reach the outside world, you passed through the door to darkness, thus leaving behind family, friends, home, Mr. Bobo_—"

"He was a birthday present!"

"…_Sure. Well, anyway, you left everything in pursuit of darkness._"

"But I cast that aside too!"

"_And what do you have to show for it, hmm? First your home, then the dark—your farce only knows how to throw things away. It's empty, like that room, like your memories. And that is precisely why there's no one in this castle with you, you lonely person. Your farce is hollow except for the stupid 'wit' you couldn't quite shake off._"

"You're full of it!" Riku snapped.

"_What, wit?_"

"No, no, I mean… well, that's not the point. I rejected the darkness!"

"_Oh_," said the voice in a tone of realization. It also sounded slightly disappointed that it was not as full of wit as it would've liked. But then, maybe it shouldn't trust _Riku_ to be the judge of that one. "_Did you really, now?_"

Riku sighed, threw his hands into the air, and gave up. So he moved on.

No, not emotionally, he moved to another room.

_Some time later…_

He winced as he entered the next room where an event took place. "Oh, not _you_!"

Maleficent smirked. "I knew you'd come crawling back, boy."

"You're alive?" Riku asked, not looking very thrilled.

"You haven't been paying attention," Maleficent said, still smirking darkly. "I am but a figment of your memory. Duh."

"But of all the people… why you?"

"Well, for one thing, your farce was seeped in darkness," the dark fairy explained patiently. "Therefore, you can only see people who exist in that same darkness—people like me. And the people of the Twilight Zone, too."

"Wrong game!" Riku whispered.

"Oh! Yes, you're right. Just forget that last part."

"What last part?" Riku asked, and then they winked conspiratorially at each other. Then he gained a pretty standard 'disbelieving rebellious Riku' look. You know, where he looks all angsty and like he wants to kill someone. "No…"

"Just be grateful you have someone to keep you company, brat," Maleficent sneered. "Your farce is empty. Were it not for the darkness in your farce, you would be completely alone, child."

"Well, being alone must be about twenty-million times better than being with _you_!" Riku retorted somewhat childishly.

Maleficent merely chuckled at this. "Come, now. You once followed me like a stray dog just to sate your hunger for darkness. You want me here, because who else but I can give you the darkness you so hunger for?"

"Well, I won't doubt that there was a time I wanted you around," Riku said, but then made a face. "It really sounds like we're talking about like, having been… dating at one point. Which, in your case, is pedophilia. But anyway." He cleared his throat and continued with what he was saying before. "I surrendered my farce to the bad humor, BUT NEVER AGAIN! Blah, blah, blah long speech! So I'm going to take you people of the dark out one by one!"

"Well I guess you'll have to kill _yourself_ at one point, because you're a walking contradictory to that statement," Maleficent said. "I mean, you were part of the dark once, too."

_How come _I_ get the dark and mysterious story?_ thought a small part of Riku's brain. _Why? Why?_

One long speech later about Riku hating himself led to a battle in which Maleficent turned into her dragon form and Riku fought her.

TO THE DEATH!!

"Why did that take less than ten seconds?" Riku wondered as Maleficent's card drifted down to the ground. "Oh well."


	4. Pedophilia Does Not Make For A Good Joke

(Note: From now on, Riku's chapters will mostly consist of 'Riku's conversations with either himself or Person A' and 'The Organization's nefarious plotting in a corner'. Of course, this is with your weekly dose of Beta Stupidtine, so it's not totally not worth it.)

"_Why do you shun the dark_?" came the voice from practically nowhere. Wait… he's a voice. He _is_ nowhere. Yeah, all at once, biznatch.

"Oh, come on," Riku said with a small sigh. "I know you heard every word I said to Maleficent just now."

"_Er—sure, if you forget the fact that it was skipped over completely_."

"It was?" Riku asked, looking somewhat hurt. "Really? What?"

"_Bad humor is your weapon_," the voice said as if it hadn't revealed that Riku isn't that important to the author. "_I need you to accept it. Preferably very soon._"

"Psh, what do you care?" Riku asked flamboyantly.

"_Stop resisting and accept the darkness before I have to get all Dracula on your behind_," the voice said. "_You are… if you are to serve me again!_"

And out of nowhere materialized…

"GASP!" gasped Riku. "ANSEM!" He composed himself. "Er, I mean, oh, it's you. I thought so."

"You don't seem too surprised," Ansem said, but we all know he probably heard Riku gasp loudly. I mean, it was CAPITALIZED for one thing.

"You always were like a teenage girl talking about the mall when it came to darkness," Riku said as if it were obvious. Which… it probably was. "So let me guess: You want me to be your marionette again? Am I right?"

"Well, yeah," Ansem said almost disappointedly. "But you'll make a fine host! And I can finally fulfill the wishes of the fangirls! Now, surrender to me again and—!"

Er, wait. I'm not sure what fangirls like, but I'm pretty sure they're not into _pedophilia_.

…Or _are_ they? 

"You're insane!" Riku yelled. "There's not going to be an 'again'!" He went to smack some sense into the crazy man, but he was pushed back by some telekinetic wall of psychic energy at the very last second. "Argh!"

Ansem laughed (understandably). "Stupid boy! Did you honestly think you could harm me? A weakling like you couldn't even defeat that stupid kid with the hair—and you had the power of stupid jokes on your side."

"Excuse me… for being weak…" Riku wheezed for no particular reason. What? Was he hurt? Stupid Riku.

And who says _'Excuse me… for being weak…'_, anyway? Wouldn't that be the kind of thing you _wouldn't_ say in a situation like this? Again, stupid Riku.

"You need the darkness!" Ansem said with a crazy glint in his already crazy eyes. "Submit! Bow to the awesome powers of darkness, and bow to me!"

"Not a… chance," said Riku, stumbling to stand up or some other such dramatic thing.

"Only darkness can help you now," Ansem sighed, getting kind of tired of Riku's resistance. "It's pretty inevitable, you know."

Just as Riku was about to stammer out another lame comeback, a high-pitched, squeaky voice came out of nowhere.

"You're wrong!" said what appeared to be a 'glowing energy ball'. GASP! NAVI?!

"GASP!" gasped Riku in a similar fashion. "Your Majesty? Is that you?"

Ugh, guess I was wrong about Navi. …What happened to her, anyway? I kinda miss the constant screams of 'HEY!' when I'm not going where I'm supposed to.

"You betcha!" Mickey said like the Disney character he is. "Riku, you're not alone. Listen careful now, Riku."

"Your Majesty, since when were you a hick?"

Mickey chose to ignore this, and continued. "The good humor will never give up on you. You'll always find it, even in the worst fart-related puns! But you have to believe!"

"But I'm not a Disney character! I was created by gritty old Square Enix!"

And I guess Ansem's really polite or something, because he wasn't taking the time to kill Riku or whatever while he was so conveniently distracted. Oh, oh my God. It's like the famous Patient Explosion from KH2.

"So?" Mickey asked.

"How can I argue with that?" Riku chuckled. "I will." He turned to Ansem, who looked to be preoccupying himself by staring at a plant in deep thought. "You hear that? I'm not losing to darkness today, Ansem."

And it was at this point that all of his fangirls should have realized that Riku is in no way, shape, or form intelligent. At all. Or witty, even.

I'm only laughing because it's fun to laugh at Riku. Stupid, stupid Riku.

Ansem blinked out of his stupor and kind of stared blankly at him for a minute. Then he chuckled darkly. "You think some feeble tasteful jokes can save you from the quotes of _Talladega Nights _and_ Anchorman_ I command? You are truly a knave!"

All we get for a battle description today is "You battle Ansem", folks. Sorry 'bout that.

"That all you've got?" Riku asked in that super-cocky, bigheaded kind of way that makes me hate him ever so much.

"It seems you are intent on resisting the bad humor," Ansem sighed. "Very well. See with your own angsty angst-filled angst eyes."

"Say huh?" Riku asked. "What was the last part of that sentence?"

"Have some cards," Ansem said, indeed handing him some cards, because he's awesome like that.

"What are those?"

Ansem stared at him for a good minute.

"…What? Did I offend?" Riku asked awkwardly.

"_They're cards, you idiot_," said Ansem. "Cards crafted from your memory, to be exact. Advance through the worlds they beget, and you will come to understand. Chasing the light will not distance you from the dark. If you run, it'll catch up eventually."

"Who's running?" Riku asked with a small 'psh' kind of look. Which is akin to but not nearly as much of an extreme as a regular old 'wtf' look. "Give me the cards, and I'll enter those worlds, easy breezy. And in the end, if I haven't given up, I win."

Ansem kind of smacked Riku's hands to send the cards flying, but the boy managed to keep a good grip on them. Argh why?!

Ansem glared at him. "I have one more gift for you." And he held out his hand, and it kind of glowed, I guess you'd say, and then everything went back to normal.

"What did you do?!" Riku asked with an appropriate horrified look. "Why do I feel… kind of fuzzy inside?"

I mean, if some guy pointed at me and his hand started to freaking _glow_, I think I'd be just a little freaked out, too.

"Congratulations, you've just acquired the gift of melodrama," Ansem said sarcastically.

…Hey, where'd Mickey go?

"Now, now, don't laugh _too_ hard," Ansem said to the scowling Riku. "I tempered the bad humor that remains in your farce. Feel free to say something, by all means. But be warned—it will most likely be something stupid, annoying, and not funny at all. Like Phineas from _A Separate Peace_. Except maybe not at that level of mediocrity."

"What, you think I'd rely on bad humor?" Riku asked, rolling his eyes.

"See, bad humor al… Oh! You're being serious." He vanished. "Whether or not you use it is your choice, though. I'll be waiting, Riku… for you to come to your imaginary senses and yield to the stupidity!"

And then we got a pretty tutorial about how to activate Riku's Dark Powers, which I assume is something like Dark Jak from _Jak II_.

Wait… does this mean Riku's going to go all emo on us and talk like Wolverine from _X-Men_?

_Meanwhile…_

_When are we going to get furniture in here?_ a silver-haired man asked himself. _Marluxia promised us that game room five years ago. _Five _years ago_.

"Don't I even get a hello, Lexaeus?" said a blond guy who kinda looked like Galadriel from _Lord of the Rings_.

A big, burly-looking brown-haired guy had just entered the room, too, only to be greeted by that. Yeah… And the silver-haired guy was just kind of standing there. I know _I'd_ stand conspicuously in a hallway waiting for my posse to show up, definitely.

"What's going on, Zexion?" asked the blond man. "I demand an explanation."

"Nice to see you, too, Vexen," said Zexion, who appeared to be the silver-haired guy. "You know, it's deplorable, but the Organization used to be the rope that binds us… Now it's full of kinks."

Vexen seemed to take offense to this, as he got all huffy. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?" 

"Let it go, Vexen," said Lexaeus. He turned to Zexion. "Tell us… what did you detect?"

"Visitors," said Zexion. "I picked up two scents in the castle's lowest basement. One of them was that old bat Maleficent, but—"

"Absurd," Vexen said, and I _wish_ that he was talking about Zexion's amazing sense of smell. What is he, part dog? I bet he is, and he's got heterochromia like a husky and has a blue eye and a brown eye, or it's some creepy color like red or something and he's just too emo and embarrassed to show it off. "The witch is gone. She cannot return from the world of darkness by her own volition." He gave Zexion a kind of 'duh' look.

"Well if you'd let me finish… gosh," Zexion said. "I _was_ about to say that the scent belonged to a very convincing double. But, see, I can't say much beyond that, since that Maleficent is no more. Our _other_ visitor saw to that."

"Who is it?" Lexaeus asked.

But… (sigh) I'm sure we _already _know. What with our precognitive powers and all.

"I'm not sure," Zexion said, rubbing his chin. But he didn't stop, because… well, not everyone has a fuzzy chin, but he was pretty much not bothered by the fact that he would probably never grow facial hair. "But the scent was very similar to the Superior's… exactly similar."

"Wait," Vexen said, "how can something be _exactly_ similar? Shouldn't you just say 'exactly the same'? That would make much more sense."

"…What? What does that have to do with anything?" Zexion asked, and was somehow able to do a 'wtf' look with just his one eye. I'm starting to think he's too embarrassed to wear an eye-patch and that he's secretly a pirate. Arr! 

"I concur," said Lexaeus. "It would be more sensible just to say 'exactly the same', or 'exactly alike', rather than confuse people with your 'exactly similar' phrase."

"…What?" Zexion repeated.

"I'm just _saying_, Zexion," Vexen said, "that it's better not to contradict yourself or make up oxymorons out of the blue like that. It's just… yeah, pretty much that."

"Er—sure, whatever," Zexion said, blinking. "Anyway, what WILL we do about this?"

"Despite your blatant attempt to change the subject," Lexaeus said, "let us bide our time and see what develops from this 'exactly similar' person."

Zexion sighed heavily.


	5. Jiminys Diary Dies

(Note: Phew! I thought our Internet was dead today, but no! Wolf's luck strikes again!)

Donald looked up at Goofy, who was looking distractedly at the floor. "What's wrong, Goofy?"

"Gawrsh, it's just that castle I mentioned earlier," Goofy sighed. "I'm pretty sure I didn't make it up. That was the castle where Sora used the Keyblade to free Kairi's farce. Then he was gone for a while, remember? I was so worried about him... A-hyuck."

Sora looked like it donned on him at that moment. "Oh yeah! When I turned into a Farceless!" Then his face fell. "Wait, we were in a castle?"

"You forgot?" Donald said, scoffing. "Well, _I_ remember it perfectly!"

"What was the castle called, then, Mr. 'I Remember It Perfectly?'"

"Easy! It was called... umm... Hey, Jiminy, you wrote it all down, didn't you?" Donald turned to the cricket, who jumped out of Sora's hair. So I guess he was just… turning to Sora… doing a double-take or something.

Gosh! I don't know how these things work! (leaves)

"I sure did," Jiminy said, nodding. "It's my pride and joy." He pulled his journal out. "Let's see, castles, castles... GASP!" He gasped and dropped his journal, then blubbered. "But... bu-b... but that's im-mpossible!"

"What? What is it?" Sora asked anxiously.

"It's all gone! All of it! Every section, every chapter, every page, every paragraph, every sentence, every word, every letter, every punctuation mark! It's all gone, gone, gone...!" He beat the ground, sobbing into his other hand.

"Say WHAAAT?" Sora, Donald, and Goofy asked in perfect unison in high-pitched voices.

"My life's work!" Jiminy lamented.

"What kind of horrible place is this?" Sora yelled at the ceiling.

_Meanwhile..._

A blonde-haired girl in a white skirt/dress thing sat in a comfy-or-uncomfy-looking chair (depended on who you were if you thought it was comfy or uncomfy), a sketch pad in her lap. She was drawing. Da-hurr.

_Un-meanwhile..._

"Something funny's going on," Donald said, narrowing his eyes in thought. "How do you think Jiminy's entries disappeared like that?"

"Maybe... it's not just the stuff we write down," Sora said, shrugging. "Goofy said we've been to another castle. But I don't remember it at all, and I'm sure none of us really do. So, maybe we don't remember... because... those memories are gone."

"Gone?" Donald asked. He fumed. "Don't be ridiculous!"

Jiminy jumped out of Sora's hair. Again. "Wait! Remember what the guy in the black hood said?" he asked ironically. "'In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find.' He was talking about memories!"

"Really? I never would've guessed..." Sora said, then got to thinking about it. "Come to think of it, I still can't figure it out even though you just said what he was talking about not even ten seconds ago." He shrugged. "Anyway. So if we keep going, we'll lose more and more memories... No wonder it's called Castle Oblivion. The name's hard to remember, too."

Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"...Nothing," Donald sighed. "So the higher we go, the more we forget? What if... we forget... everything, and can't get it back?"

Sora looked shocked. "I'd forget Riku and Kairi too?"

"Maybe we should turn back..." Donald said uncertainly.

Goofy smiled obliviously. "Gawrsh, don't worry so much! We might forget where we've been or what we've seen, but we'll never forget friends." Sparkles appeared around him as he looked up whimsically. "A-hyuck."

Sora gasped. "Oh my gosh! Goofy! You have a speech impediment!"

"Naw, Donald does."

The boy narrowed his eyes. "So he does..."

Donald smacked Sora with his wizardin' staff and looked at Goofy. "What makes you so sure?"

Goofy turned to Sora, who was rubbing his head. "Sora, when you turned into a Farceless, did you forget about us?"

"Tch. Heck no! I'd never forget about you." He smiled. "But I was hungry..."

Goofy chose to ignore the last thing the boy had said. "Well, see, there ya go, Donald! A-hyuck. No matter what happens, you'll never forget your friends."

"Yeah, you're right," Sora said. "Thanks. You've been a great inspiration, Goofy."

"Gawrsh, it wasn't nothin'."

"So... it was something?"

"..."

Sora looked like he remembered something right then and turned to Donald, gaining a dubious look. "Hey, Donald... when I was a Farceless, who was it that smacked me, again?"

"Oh, uhh... I guess it was me," Donald said with a shrug. "But... I've never admitted it... I kind of wanted to. Not because you were a Farceless, but because umm, you were you. No offense, but you got on my last nerve there."

"Well... I can't say I'm happy about that," Sora confessed. "But at least you told me that I was annoying."

Donald gained a surprised look. "Did you just mature a little bit?"

"What's 'mature' mean?" Sora asked with an oblivious and slightly naïve look.

Donald glared at him and shoved the boy through the next door.

_Olympus Coliseum_

Sora and the gang walked up to a poster on a wall in the Coliseum.

"Golly-gee! Look, an announcement!" He pointed to it, and everyone crowded around to read it.

"Well, I'll be," said Jiminy. "It's for some sort of contest. They're calling it the 'Olympus Coliseum Survival Cup'. Contenders have to run an obstacle course, battling each other along the way." He smiled even wider when he saw what was under that: "Looky here! 'The great hero Hercules will also compete for the Cup'. Says he's never been beaten!"

"We can read, thank you very much," Sora said in that 'WELL' tone. "But, it does sound fun. Let's go sign up!"

"Gawrsh, I thought you'd say that," Goofy said knowingly. Is that a word? _Knowingly_... "Whenever there's a contest, you're always rarin' to go!"

"And you're going to compete even if we don't, right?" Donald asked.

"Yup," Sora said, not sounding guilty or anything like that.

"Well then, it wouldn't hurt to tag along then, would it?"

Then Jiminy read some more from the poster but I'm not in the mood to write it down.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Sora asked excitedly. "Let's go!"

They all ran off stage right, then after a few seconds they came back and exited stage left. Because they accidentally went the wrong way. Whoops.

Before long, Hades shuffled into the area and approached the poster. After reading it over he scoffed in disgust. "Whoa-hoa, wait a MINUTE! What is this, now? 'Hercules is a model of true strength and gallantry--the perfect hero?'" He looked disinterested for a moment. "Oh yes, he's perfect all right." After a few seconds of just standing there, he burst into red flames. "Perfectly INFURIATING! Argh! Just THINKING about him makes me boil!" He started having little spasms.

"Calm down, you'll give yourself a heart attack," said an uninterested voice from not-too-far-away.

Hades took a deep breath and returned to his normal blue self. "Yeah, yeah, you're right, Cloud. Soon enough you'll take care of the little sunspot... and all my troubles will be mere dust in the wind. And once you do that--"

"You restore my memories," Cloud finished monotonously.

"What? Oh, yeah, sure."

_Meanwhile..._

Phil looked at the group of three who had just walked into the lobby/whatever he was standing in. "What? Where'd you guys come from? Don't tell me you guys defeated the prelims!"

"We sure did, Mr. Goat," Sora said. "And now we want to go for the Cup."

"You came to the right place, then," Phil said with a smile. "...Not that you stand a chance against Herc, though."

"Why not?" Donald asked.

"Two words: You ain't heroes."

"That was three words," Sora pointed out.

"Well, technically it was four words--there was a contraction in there," Phil corrected him.

"But 'ain't' isn't a word. Well, it is in Arkansas. But I'm pretty sure that's improper speech."

"I'll improper your speech!" Phil threatened, shaking a tiny-yet-meaty fist at him.

"Anyway!" Donald yelled irately.

"You're wrong!" Sora said, shaking an angry fist at Phil.

"Yeah, he said three words," Goofy said.

"Not that," Sora sighed. "I mean about us not being heroes. How can we prove we're heroes if you don't give us a chance?"

"How? Ha! I can tell just by lookin' at ya," Phil said, smirking. "A duck, dog-thing, and the Master of Bad Hair heroes do not make."

"My hair isn't that bad..."

"He's right, Phil," Hercules said, appearing on the scene.

"You mean, my hair's not bad?" Sora asked hopefully.

"...No. I mean about him not letting you prove yourselves heroes." He turned to Phil. "I think they at least deserve a shot."

"You have a point," Phil said, tapping his fuzzy chin thoughtfully. "But still..."

Hercules smiled. "Well, we could always cancel the games!"

"Wha?" Sora asked.

"Phil's prelim course was so hard that nobody but you guys beat it," Hercules explained. "I think he overdoes it sometimes."

"That right?" Sora asked, smiling slyly. Or something. "Well, I guess it's settled, then! Let us compete, and you won't have to cancel the games. How about it, Mr. Goat?"

"Okay, whatever, kid," Phil said, waving a hand dismissively.

"The name's Sora, not 'kid'," Sora corrected.

"Whatever, kid." He looked at Sora, Donald, and Goofy in turn, then said, "Well, since your team and Hercules are the only contenders..."

"They're not the only ones," came the distant voice of Cloud as he walked around the corner. I mean distant as in 'he doesn't care about anything' distant, not as in the adjective distant. "Name's Cloud."

"Wow, it's Dad!" Sora said excitedly. Then he looked sad. "Oh, right... just an illusion."

"The more the merrier!" Phil chortled. That's a funny word. _Chortled..._ "Now the games'll really be somethin' to see!"

"Heck yeah!" Hercules said enthusiastically. "But don't expect me to pull any punches out there. I'm going all out on your little butts."

"Not if I kick your butt first!" Sora replied.

"Whatever..." sighed Cloud, looking away.

"All right, let's get this show on the road," Phil said. "But first... I'll have to explain some things to you. Rule number one: First one through the obstacle course wins. Rule number two: In the event of a tie, a battle will determine the winner. Rule number three: You can interfere with your opponents at any time throughout the course. And rule number four: All challengers have to give it all they got!"

Everyone lined up on a starting line that had apparently appeared out of nowhere.

"But anyway," Phil said. "On your marks..."

Everyone leaned forward a little.

"...get set..."

Sora narrowed his eyes.

"...G--don't go!"

Sora fell flat on his face.

"A-haha, I thought I'd getcha with that one," said Phil, chuckling at his funny. "But anyway. This one's for real. GO!"

They all took off.

_Some time later..._

Sora and his posse approached Cloud, who was kinda just standing there.

"Gawrsh, it sure was nice of him to wait for us to catch up," Goofy said with an oblivious and naïve look.

Donald smacked him with his wizardin' staff. "Noooo, he's not waiting for us!" he snapped. "Remember rule number three? 'You can interfere with your opponents at any time throughout the course'. I can't believe you'd forget it, it was like... ten minutes ago."

"A-hyuck."

Sora narrowed his eyes. "He just wants to narrow the field! The bastard."

"Nobody's watching," Cloud said, shrugging. "So who's here to chew me out for not playing fair? But I'm not here to fight _you_, you losers."

The boy scoffed. "Losers?"

"Just keep walking."

"See, he _was_ here waitin' for us!"

"No, you dumb dog-thing. I just said I'm not here to fight you."

"Let's take him up on his offer, Goofy," Donald said. "Let's just... move along..."

"Good, I'm not going to bother myself with someone who called us losers," Sora said with a _look_ in Cloud's direction. "Jerk." With that, he started to stomp off, but turned around. "So... you're not just going to cut us down so you can win? Hmm? That would be taking the easy way out, for sure, but the easy way is sometimes the best way, ya know."

"Whatever. Keep your silly Cups," Cloud said, turning away from them. "I'm only here for Hercules. Today he loses more than just the competition." And had he been anyone besides Cloud, he would've laughed sinisterly.

"Umm... he'll lose that nifty head-band?" Sora guessed.

"...No. I mean he's gonna die."

"GASP! But WHY?"

"This is business," Cloud said with a 'feh'. "You wouldn't understand, you're just a kid. Stay out of it; go get your Cup."

"No way!" Sora said, getting the Keyblade out and pointing it at Cloud. "You called me a loser! There's no way I'm gonna let that stand."

"You do realize what you're doing," Cloud said and it was more of a statement than a question. He pulled his ghetto sword out of nowhere and was slightly weighed down because that thing's huge. You've seen it, you should know.

"Rule number three!" Sora yelled, shaking an angry fist.

Cloud scoffed. "Big mistake..."

Alas, Cloud did not win (but... he's CLOUD!). And apparently he disappeared like a weenie because he was nowhere to be found after that.

"Where'd he go?" Sora asked, looking around in a confused manner.

"He headed for the finish line!" Jiminy said, pointing his little parasol onward, where they could indeed see Cloud walking casually to the finish line. "Wha... how'd he get so far ahead already?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure not letting him win the Cup!" Sora yelled. "And... possibly... kill Hercules."

So they ran to apprehend Cloud.

And by the time they reached him, he had collapsed to the ground on one knee.

"GASP!" gasped Sora. "He's gonna propose to someone!"

Donald stared at him. "That was stupid."

"Yeah, I know..."

"You lost," Hercules said sternly. "Give it up, Cloud."

Cloud must've used a phoenix down on himself or something because at that moment he stood up. "We're not done yet."

Hercules threw his hands in the air. "I can't guarantee your safety if we keep going like this, ya know! It's only logical that I, a demigod, would beat you, a mere mortal, into a bloody pulp."

"Perhaps you forgot, Hercules... I'm a Final Fantasy character. And besides, it looks like you're slowing down a bit..."

"Hmm. You may be right."

"Hercules! Watch out, he's licensed to Square!" Sora said as he and his Disney buds ran up and stood in front of Hercules, effectively creating a shield between the man and Cloud. A short shield, but a shield nonetheless.

"Sora?" Hercules asked, looking slightly out of it all of the sudden. For no apparent reason.

"Shield him all you want," Cloud said. "But I'll still finish you and get my memories back!"

"Say WHAAAT?" the four asked him in high-pitched voices.

Cloud slapped his forehead. "I mean..."

"Tsk, tsk, Cloud, blowing the plan," said James Woods aka Hades as he walked out of the shadows. Why they didn't see his flaming blue hair is beyond me. But anyway.

Hercules's eyes narrowed and he pointed at the evil god of the Underworld. "_You_!"

"Yes, me. Now, Cloud, it looks like you've overused yourself," Hades said, turning to the blond man. "All you did was wear him down. And I specifically asked you to kill him. And now, I'm afraid that I'll have to let you go..."

"You mean I'm fired?" Cloud asked in an unbelieving voice. And by 'unbelieving voice' I mean his tone changed only slightly to an unbelieving voice. So it wasn't much different from his regular voice. "But... my memories! We had a deal, Hades."

"Oh please. You honestly believed that Hades, Lord of the Underworld, would give your memories back to you? Get real."

"You dirty under-handed..."

"Like I said, you're through! Step aside and let me take care of Irk-ules!" He shoved everyone but Hercules away with some invisible wall of psychokinetic energy.

"What the?" Sora asked in surprise.

"Rule number five: It's never too late to enter the games!" He cackled maniacally.

"I should've known!" Hercules said bitterly.

"Cloud may have failed to take you out, but he did break you," Hades said. "Time for Plan Beta. Pack your pita, Herc, cuz you've just won a free trip to the Underworld, all expenses paid by ME!"

"Hold up!" Sora said as he, Donald, and Goofy ran back to get in front of Hercules... again. "Those puns were horrible. I'm not going to let that stand!"

"You won't let anything stand," Donald muttered.

"Sora no!" Hercules said. "He'll mop the floor with you! ...Aptly, too, because your hair would make a pretty effective mop."

Sora was speechless. He opened his mouth a few times as if he was going to speak, but he finally just glared at Hercules and said, "Whatever!"

"Well, kiddo, I guess I'll just have to send you to the Underworld with Herc the Jerk if you're gonna be like that," Hades said. He pointed at Sora. "Rule number six: There ARE no rules! MWAHAHAHA!"

So they fought. And after about five tries, Sora finally beat the toga off of Hades.

_Some time later..._

"The games are cancelled?" Sora asked. "Say WHAAAT?"

"Three words: Everyone's beat!" Phil said.

"That was only... oh, I guess you're right," Goofy said. "Gawrsh."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me! Please say jay-kay! JAY-KAY!"

"I'm sorry, Sora," Hercules said apologetically and with a sheepish smile. "But you wouldn't want me to compete in this condition. Let's have a match when I'm fit again, okay? Can you wait?"

"Okay. But you better not forget!" Sora said both foreshadowingly and ironically.

"Sora, over here! He's coming to!" Jiminy called.

They all walked over to Cloud who had been out cold on the floor.

"Are you all right?" Sora asked.

"Yeah..." Cloud answered, and then started walking off.

"I hope you get your memories back! It must suck to be a selective amnesiac!" Sora called after him.

"Hmph. Whatever." With that, Cloud walked off and disappeared.


	6. Larxene: Bitch of the Year

Donald sighed forlornly. "I sure hope the King's okay..."

"Why bring that up out of nowhere?" Sora asked.

"I just wanted to make sure I hadn't forgotten about him, 's'all," Donald said with a slight shrug.

"So do ya?" Goofy asked curiously.

"I still remember perfectly!" he answered. "Goofy and I are on a quest to find him."

"Yep!" Goofy agreed, nodding. "The King saved the world by stayin' on the other side of that there door to darkness!"

"And if Goofy still remembers, then there's no way I'll forget anytime soon."

"And I'm looking for Riku... for Kairi, of course," Sora said. "She asked me to, see. But I guess you can't really forget the most important memories. So sucks to Castle Oblibbity-jibber-whatsit!"

"Yeah!" said Donald and Goofy.

_Meanwhile..._

A woman with slicked-back blonde hair smirked. "You sure seem intrigued by this kid, Axel."

"Oh, and you're not?" Axel scoffed.

"I just haven't really made up my mind yet... But, I would like to know what's on yours."

"He became a Farceless, Larxene. And you know what happens to people who do."

"Of course. They also lose their minds, their feelings... They're consumed by the bad humor."

Axel nodded. "That's right. But none of that happened to Sora. Then again, I'm not sure he had much of a mind to lose in the first place. But he held onto his feelings, even as a Farceless. Only one other man ever managed to do that..."

"So it's the strength of his farce that intrigues you so--the farce chosen by the Keyblade," Larxene interpreted from that.

"What makes his farce... shine... like... that? What sleeps in his most secret depths?" He shrugged. "You know, even though none of that made much sense."

"I guess this castle makes you think deeply. You've never been this philosophical before."

"Oh, that's not philosophical. 'Nothing is boredom' is philosophical."

"So it is..." She got back on the subject. "But anyway. The farce is a mysterious thing."

"Perhaps," Axel said. "But unlocking its secrets is the whole reason that we, the Organization, exist. Or, you know, don't."

"We really need to stop with the existentialism crap."

"Tell me about it."

_Un-meanwhile..._

"So, except for our friends, we're forgetting everything bit-by-bit," Donald said as they walked to the fourth floor.

"Hmm... I wonder what we just forgot," Goofy said.

They all went into Thinking Mode, but at last they just shrugged.

"Well, I can't think of anything," Sora said.

"Guess you musta forgot it..." Goofy sighed. "But, whatever it was, it must've not been important, a-hyuck!"

"Right, or else I wouldn't have forgotten it." He pulled out the charm that Kairi had given to him. "Like this, for instance."

"What is it?" Donald asked.

"It's a good luck charm Kairi gave me," he said. "It's special to her, so I promised I'd return it to her. I'll never forget that promise... and that's why I'll never forget Kairi." He looked at the ceiling in thought. "I wonder how she's doing now..."

So he had some weird vision or something of Kairi standing there. Then after a few seconds her hair started getting lighter... and her clothes changed to a white dress… and soon a whole different person was standing there.

"Umm... huh?" Sora asked. He snapped out of it as Donald shook him violently. "AAAAH!"

"Earth to Sora! Are you still with us?"

"Who... who was that?" Sora asked distractedly. He shook his head. "Oh, it's nothing, Donald."

"Gawrsh. Well, let's keep goin'," Goofy said.

And so they walked through the next door...

_Wonderland_

"Hey, someone's comin'," Goofy said, pointing ahead.

A small white rabbit in a red jacket and yellow vest ran past. "I'm late! I'm late! I'm dreadfully, awfully late! The queen will both say 'off with his head' and roast me for dinner! If I'm late for the trial, ooh..."

"Umm, what do you mean by 'off with his head'?" Sora asked.

"Oh my fur and whiskers!" the rabbit yelled, nearly having a fit. He ran around in a circle. "I'll never make it!" He spun around; tugging on his fur, then ran off in a random direction.

Sora was silent for a moment. "...Off with his HEAD."

"For such a peaceful-looking place, it sure sounds dangerous," Donald commented.

They walked off awkwardly.

_Some time later..._

A fat man in drag was sitting at the judge's podium. A blonde girl in a blue dress was at the defendant stand. Well, there was only one stand, but it's the defendant stand because I suppose that's where everyone is prosecuted.

"Gawrsh, looks like some sorta get-together," Goofy said.

"Hmm. This must be the trial the rabbit was talking about..." Donald said.

Said white rabbit was apparently the prosecutor's lawyer or whatever. I'm no law-type-person. "Alice! Do you understand the charges against you?"

"_No_, I certainly do _not_," Alice said. She threw her arms in the air. "And you know why? It's because I've done absolutely nothing wrong!"

"Feigning innocence, deary?" the man in drag asked. He pointed his heart-shaped gavel at her. "You are charged with aiding the Farceless who threaten this kingdom. I should've thought it would be obvious."

"Pooh on you! Where's the evidence, if I am?"

The fat man thought. "The evidence is... I forgot! THAT is the evidence. And you know why? Because you stole my memory!"

"We cannot rid the kingdom of the Farceless until Her Majesty's memory is restored," the white rabbit said matter-of-factly.

"HER MAJESTY?" Sora gasped loudly and fainted.

Donald and Goofy hoped nobody heard that.

"This is so unfair!" Alice said, beating her fists on the stand childishly. "Don't blame me just because you can't remember things! I suppose you would've accused say, a tree, of this same crime had it been the only one you could rule out!"

"Perhaps, perhaps not," the Queen of Hearts said in a wishy-washy way. "But you're talking to the Queen of Hearts! And nobody--and I mean NOBODY--will talk to the Queen of Hearts in that tone of voice, young lady! And guess what? I would've let you go if you had just apologized in the first place!"

Alice slapped her forehead.

"What a brazen thief!" the Queen of Hearts spat.

"Who's the brazen one?" Sora asked, running up to the judge's podium.

Goofy looked back at where the boy had passed out and then slapped his forehead like Alice.

"The court has reached a verdict! Alice, your sentence is... DEATH!"

"Hold on just one minute!" Sora said. "You can't just sentence her to death because you feel like it! This trial is a **farce**! You should investigate before you arrest innocent people!"

"What is the meaning of this?" the Queen asked in a rage. "Are you saying Alice didn't steal my memory? If so... you must know who the real culprit is, then!"

"Huh? I, er..."

"Spit it out, boy! Or else, Alice's sentence will be carried out! Now speak! Who did it?" She slammed her gavel down.

Sora thought fast. Well, as fast as he could, anyway. "I, uh... umm... it was me!"

"GASP!" everyone present gasped, including the cards.

"Yeah, I did it! Real culprit, right here," he jabbed his thumb at himself.

"Gawrsh, really?" Goofy whispered.

"Of course not," Sora scoffed, looking somewhat lost now that he had said that he was. "But what else was I supposed to say?"

"Umm, oh, I don't know," Donald said sarcastically, "maybe that _someone besides you _did it!"

Sora slapped his forehead like Alice.

"Cards!" the Queen of Hearts said. "Seize him!"

The cards ran at them, halberds and spears brandished. Needless to say, despite the cards' sharp and pointy weapons, Sora managed to beat them all... because they're cards. All he did was set fire to them.

All the cards ran around, screaming in pain.

"Hey, where's Alice?" Donald asked above the cards' screaming.

"Looks like she escaped," Goofy said. "A-hyuck."

"Perhaps she did," the Queen of Hearts said. "But you won't! Cards!"

Obviously, the cards didn't and couldn't comply.

"CARDS!"

"RUN AWAY!" Sora said, and they slipped away in the confusion.

_Some time later..._

As they walked into a different area, they spotted Alice standing there, alone.

Sora sighed. "Well, things got really crazy back there, but... at least you're okay!"

Alice took a step back and asked hesitantly, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but... what you said back there, is it... is it true? Are you really the memory thief?"

"Aw, no," Sora said flippantly. "I couldn't steal a highly contagious disease, let alone memories."

"Yep! Sora only said that cuz he wanted to sa--" Goofy started, but he was shoved aside by Donald.

"To show off!" Donald finished for him, giving Sora a _look_.

"Donald!" Sora groaned.

"Is that right?" Alice asked with a giggle. Giggle-giggle. "Well, you saved me all the same. Thank you, Sora." She turned to her left, where a purple striped cat was sitting on a log. "Oh, look. It's the Cheshire Cat!"

"Feeling better after that mad dash?" the Cat asked. "You're not out of the woods yet!" He disappeared and reappered, hanging by his tail from a tree branch. "The queen's a stickler for justice. She won't forget you 'til she remembers! She won't stop hounding you until you get her memory back! Did she forget because she remembers? Does she remember that she forgot? Doesn't matter, I suppose."

"My brain! It _HUUURTS_!" He gripped his head but after like, ten minutes, he calmed down and kinda got what the Cat was saying. "I think we just better stay away from the Queen."

"Well, that's all well and good for us, Sora," Jiminy said. "But what about Alice? If the Queen catches her again..." He took his parasol and made a decapitating motion with it.

"A-huh?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

Jiminy sighed. "It's OFF WITH HER HEAD."

"Ooooh, yeah!" Sora said as he realized everything. "Then I guess we'd better do something about the queen."

"You _should_ do something," the Cat said. "But... you don't have to do anything."

"Say wha...?"

The Cat teleported to another tree. "If you can't remember something, it's like it never happened. Likewise, if something never happened, then you can't remember it. Try to hard to remember, and your memory might lie to you."

"Lie?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

With that, the Cat was gone. But his voice echoed throughout the forest: "That's all I'll say. The rest is for you to figure out."

"What a strange person," Sora said, shaking his head.

_Some time later..._

They had walked into a place with tiled floors and lots of giant furniture.

"Gawrsh, what's with the sudden change of scenery?" Goofy asked, getting all curfuddled.

"Let's look around!" Alice said. She ran forward, then stopped. "Oh, dear!"

"Thought you'd seen the last of ME, did you?" the Queen of Hearts cackled.

"Uh-oh..." Sora said with a distressed look.

"The game is up, scoundrels!" She laughed maniacally, knowing that she had won. "For stealing my memory, I sentence you all to..." She blinked and tilted her head a little. "I sentence you to... to... hmm. Oh? What's going on? Where am I?"

"Huh?" Donald asked.

"What in the world am I doing?" the Queen of Hearts asked, looking around. "Confound it!" She stomped her foot. "I can't remember!"

"What's wrong with her?" Sora asked.

"Gawrsh, maybe someone swiped her memory again," Goofy said. "A-hyuck."

"It's always 'a-hyuck' with you," Sora scoffed. "Why do you say that?"

"Gawrsh, Sora, it makes me unique."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever..."

"Sora! Watch out! Something's coming!" Alice cried in surprise.

A giant slinky dropped from the sky. Well, it wasn't really a giant slinky. But its arms looked like slinkies.

Slinkies.

"So this is what stole the Queen's memory!" Sora said, getting the Keyblade ready. He sighed and stood up straight. "I thought she was just getting old."

So they fought the giant slinky thing to the death and won. Of course.

"You! All of you there! What is the meaning of this?" the Queen of Hearts demanded. "Where did that Farceless come from?"

"How should we know?" Sora asked with a lost look.

"So you refuse to answer me?" snapped the Queen. "You're hiding something! They're... they're plotting against me! Seize them! Seize them immediately!"

The card soldiers, many of them singed and crispy, moved forward threateningly.

Sora screamed like a little girl and cowered behind Alice.

"Wait, Your Majesty!" Alice said. "It was _you_ who commanded _us_ to destroy the Farceless!"

The boy stopped his wimpering and looked up with a 'wtf' look. "Huh?"

"Your Majesty, in her... prudence... didn't trust us at first," Alice continued. "And so, at Your Majesty's command, we fought the Farceless to prove ourselves. Isn't that right, Sora?"

Sora stood up. "We did? I mean... of course we did! Your... Your Majesty."

"I... I told you to do that?" the Queen of Hearts asked with a suspicious look.

Alice looked at her expectantly. "Oh, but Your Majesty, don't you remember?"

"Of... of course I remember!" the Queen stuttered. "I never forget anything! Of course I gave that command. Alice, Sora, you did splendidly." With that, she and her burned-to-a-crisp card soldiers walked/limped away into the sunset.

"Well, that was a close one," Alice said in that 'whew' tone.

"Wow. I never would've thought of that," Sora admitted.

"Of course you wouldn't have," Donald said.

"But the Cheshire Cat said as much," Alice continued. "'Try too hard to remember and your memory might lie to you'. The Queen would never admit that she forgot. So, instead, she remembered something that didn't happen! She ended up fooling herself, you see."

Sora looked at his shoes in thought.

"What is it, Sora? Forgot to tie your laces?"

"Nah... It's nothing," Sora said with a smile. "Well, I guess you'll be safe now. You know. So long as that crazy queen doesn't accuse you of yet _another_ thing you never did. Like she always seems to do in your particular Through the Looking Glass media."

"Hmph. WELL!" Alice said, turning her nose into the air and stomping off in a huff.

"Geez, Sora."

"Oh come on! You can't tell me that was offensive!"

"Let's just go, you stupid kid."


	7. Rikus Back! Run!

(Note: Yeah, sorry these are getting shorter and shorter, but I can't think of much to write anymore, yo. I mean, yeah, I can think of what to write, but not to make it long-winded like a lot of authors with their giant text blocks of descriptive DoOm.)

"Ugh!" Riku said out of nowhere. "What is that _smell_? Ugh, I can taste it! Ew… but it seems so _familiar_… It tastes like… darkness. But can one taste darkness? How am _I_ tasting it, then? Is it seeping into my senses, just biding its time and seeing how this develops so it can take over my body?"

"Don't you worry, Riku!"

"Your Majesty!" Riku said, turning to his left, where, indeed, Mickey was standing. Rather, the blurry hologram Mickey. His surprised look quickly faded, however, and was replaced by a thoughtful expression. "Wait, where did you disappear to when I was facing Ansem?"

"Oh I didn't go anywhere," Mickey chuckled. "I was there the whole time. And I've been following you, too."

Riku was silent for a moment. "You mean, the _whole time_?" Riku asked after that moment.

"The whole time," Mickey said, smiling as if it was obvious.

"Well why didn't I hear you or something? Why didn't you talk to me?"

"Well, firstly, I'm a hologram, genius," said the mouse. "And secondly, I didn't feel like it. Got a problem with that?"

"No, I was just wondering," Riku said. "Sheesh, Your Majesty. Lighten up."

"Lighten up?" Mickey asked, his eyes widening in what appeared to be slight rage. "Lighten UP? Listen, pal, I've been around since 1928. I survived the Great Depression, World War II, JFK's assassination, Jimmy Carter's presidency, and every piece of shit decision that Bill Clinton pulled since the early nineteen-nineties. And through all those tragedies, through all the pain, and the death, and the suffering, I've been able to smile and laugh about something in the end. And you're telling _me_ to lighten up?"

"I… I'm sorry, Your Majesty," Riku said. "I didn't mean it, if it makes you feel better."

There was an awkward pause.

"Anyway!" Riku said. "What happened to you? You're all… fuzzy."

"Well, I _am _a mouse. I'm usually covered in a thick coat of fur to survive the harsh winters of Saskatchewan. But that's not the reason today. I can only send a little bit of my power here," Mickey said. "But I have a request." As Riku opened his mouth, Mickey held up a hand. "And before you make a bad joke, _no_, I do _not_ mean as in 'song request'."

Riku snapped his mouth shut quickly. "All right, then. What is it?"

"I just wanted to say, don't let the darkness overcome you," Mickey said, smiling reassuringly. "Fight it! It won't be easy, but don't forget this: Even in the darkest darkness, there's always a little light."

"That was beautiful."

"Thank you."

"Light within the darkness, though?"

"Kingdom Hearts, dur," Mickey said because it _was_ obvious. "Just don't give up, mm-kay?"

"I'll try my best," Riku said in a tone that suggested that he didn't believe he could do it.

"And I'll try to find a way to reach you," Mickey said reassuringly. "I'll come. I promise."

They tried to shake on it, or perhaps even pinky promise, but Riku's hand just kind of went through Mickey's.

"Curse these graphics!" he said bitterly.

"No, no," Mickey said. "Hologram, remember?"

"Ah. Right."

"But we shook hands, in our farces. We're connected, you and me."

Riku sighed. "…I guess."

Mickey's hologram fizzled out.

_Meanwhile…_

Zexion snapped his fingers, and Vexen and Lexaeus jerked awake. "I've got it. I know whose scent it is."

"'Bout time," Vexen said sleepily. He yawned. "How long was I out?"

"You fell asleep about an hour ago…"

"And you didn't wake us up?" he asked as if it was what Zexion was supposed to _do_. "Anyway. Go on."

"It's Riku."

There was a silence, and Vexen looked slightly bewildered.

"Who?" he asked.

"You know, Sora's friend." 

"Oh yeah. Right. Him. That guy. I know who you're talking about now." His face fell, though. "Wait, Riku? But he's gone! He and that king were lost when they ventured beyond the door to bad humor. How could they have escaped?"

"Riku _did_ once shoulder the dark," Zexion pointed out. "Perhaps it made him… half-dark, or something to that effect."

"What is up with you lately, Zexion? Are you trying to make stupid jokes?"

"I just… no."

"I know we're all about bad humor and all, but my goodness! You're taking this extremely far, my pirate-in-denial friend."

"Shut up, please… I didn't mean it, all right?"

"Okay," Vexen said. "Anyway, that's probably why you said Riku's scent was 'exactly similar' to the Superior's. His dark powers helped him escape from the realm of darkness itself… One with ties to both the Keyblade _and_ the power of bad humor… this merits much research."

"What I would like to know is why Riku appeared here, in Castle Oblivion."

"Ha!" Vexen laughed loudly, and it echoed around the hallway. "That's an easy one, Mr. Schemer. His existence resonates with that of another: _Sora_ is here, so _Riku_ followed, obviously."

"Sora's in the castle?" Zexion asked, because this was obviously news to him!

"Oh, I thought you'd know, seeing as how your sense of smell is exactly similar to a dog's." He waved this statement away dismissively. "Anyway; yes, he and his companions arrived earlier. By now that dog Marluxia is already using that little girl to mess with Sora's head."

"Oh," Zexion said simply.

"I'm sure Marluxia doesn't plan to hand Sora over," Vexen continued, "but for now, he can play his little game. If he gets Sora, we need only to get Riku. If he's anything exactly similar to the Superior, then it's a one-sided child fight!"


	8. Riku Doesn't Date Galadriel Wannabes

Riku walked out of the last room, pulling some seaweed out of his hair. "Why did I have to choose the _whale_? Oh man, gross… All that spit… and the half-way digested things… ew…"

"Riku, I presume?" asked someone on the other side of the hall.

Riku dropped the piece of seaweed he was holding and looked up. "Who are you?" he asked, his eyes narrowed. "Are you with Ansem?"

Vexen chuckled. "You are half correct," he said, smiling. "Let's just say that he's not the Ansem _you_ know, you see. He is Ansem and he is not—which is to say that he is nobody."

…I think my brain just broke…

"If you can presume that I'm Riku, maybe you can also presume that I don't do riddles," Riku said snarkily. "Try making some sense, huh?"

"He belongs to neither the good or bad humor, but walks the neutral sarcasm in between," Vexen continued as if Riku hadn't said anything. He put a hand to his chest, and looked rather high-strung. "As do I, and for that matter—" He chuckled darkly and a smile curled upon his rather thick lips. "Oh, that's right… We have much more in common than you think."

"But I didn't think we had a lot in common to begin with," Riku admitted. "In fact… I didn't think we had _anything_ in common. I mean, you look like an elf lady and I'm a small, chunky-armed, disproportioned youth." He indicated his massive rib cage and tiny, tiny hips.

"Just… just follow the script."

Riku sighed, rolling his eyes. "Maybe we do… but so what? Is that an invitation to join your sorry little club? Huh? Huh? Is it?

"Sure, there's darkness inside me," Riku went on, Vexen giving him a very skeptical look, "just like you said. But darkness is my enemy, too! And so are you, for making it stink like all get-out in here!"

"Are you insulting Number XII's cleaning skills?" Vexen asked. "Because if you are… well, I'm not going to disagree with you there." He whipped out a giant, spiky, triangular shield. "But if it's a fight you want, come and get it!"

And so Riku battled Vexen. Sadly, it cannot be described in great detail because that part of the script was unfortunately lost in a freak lab accident, turning it into the Incredible Script.

Er—yeah.

Vexen laughed, though he also looked to be in (at least) slight pain. "This battle has made it clear," he said. And then he elaborated, "The bad humor coursing through you is tremendous! A very, very tremendous power is the bad humor. Anyway, all you need is some motivation to tap into that sucker."

Riku slapped his forehead. "Great," he groaned. "Was this another trick?"

"Well, you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but you _have_ provided me with the data that I needed," Vexen said, sounding somewhat happy yet he managed to be very indifferent at the same time. "Thanks, kid."

And so, he vanished to wherever it is that Vexen goes. You know… to his Vexen Corner in the basement. I mean, _one of_ the basements.

Definitely one lower than this one, anyway.

_Meanwhile…_

Lexaeus and Zexion were chillin' in the Lounge of Inadequacy. (It wasn't a very befitting title, though, because it was rather nice, in fact.)

"Where did Vexen go?" Lexaeus asked.

"He's off pulling a Boba Fett and making clones," Zexion said. "Though a lone reviewer informs us that that isn't really the case. What a nerd."

"I agree. Anyway, what of Sora?"

"Naminé is shuffling his memories as we speak," the man with the exactly similar look of a cheap goth said. "Marluxia may well get his puppet. He's a danger to us all… And Number XII's not to be trusted either."

"Nor is Axel," Lexaeus grunted. "Who knows what that hypocrite is thinking…"

"Let's just do nothing about it a little while longer," Zexion said, "then we'll speak with Vexen."

"But Vexen despises Marluxia," Lexaeus said. "Just think of what a horrible mess that would make."

"That's why Vexen must be told. It's better that he cleans up his mess than us," Zexion said with some wacky logic.

They were silent for a moment.

"Hey, have you ever read 1984?" Lexaeus asked out of the blue.

"Yes, why?"

"Because I found the phrase 'exactly similar' in there. Is that where you got it from?"

Zexion glared at him.

"Is that a 'no'?"


End file.
